A Soul for Satan
by gregory's girl
Summary: She was beautiful; broken and bruised but beautiful. Holly finds herself at Hogwarts 2 years behind, insecure and friendless. Her past is dark and her future uncertain. Someone has to save her but whose the man for the job? Sirius Marauders DISCONTINUED
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note: I own nothing. All aspects of the wizarding world are Rowlings. Sorry if this starts a little slow but in a couple of chapters familiar characters will be introduced. It is set in the time of Harry's parents at Hogwarts._

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A Soul for Satan

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Chapter 1: Libera Me

She had known for two years now. She had lived each day with this knowledge unable to harness it, unable to use it, unable to escape. At first the letters had been destroyed, and then they had started moving. At first it appeared a temporary solution. But now it really seemed possible that they could just keep on running forever. Why had no one come? They had changed her name, changed their own names, in all sense of the muggle word they had disappeared. Why did this Dumbledore think one more letter would make any difference after all this time? It was useless thinking about it, she would be two years behind now, she hadn't even been to a normal school in two years, never mind this wizarding school she was supposed to be attending. She was home taught but this only catered to her mothers skill. She was well versed in religion, music, English and art. But a part from that her knowledge of anything was sparse. She had been sheltered from the outside world, on so many levels she was naïve yet she had lost her innocence early.

Holly knew she was special, she knew she had something her parents didn't. She was a witch but what this meant she had no idea. She knew it wasn't like Wicca or Satanism, she had looked these up at the local library once when her step father wasn't watching. These things had nothing to do with innate knowledge, and try as she might she could find nothing on Dumbledore or Hogwarts.

Her step father was afraid, after all he had put her through he couldn't risk her gaining the power to take her own revenge. Little did he know that Holly had buried her plans of revenge years ago. If he let her go she wouldn't tell a soul what he had done, she would merely sever all connection with him. This life offered her nothing. Although revenge was undoubtedly appealing, it was pointless. The anger had faded years ago all that was left was acceptance, numbness and small shreds of hope.

Holly's mother was too weak to help her. She could have been a good woman if life had been kinder. She had run away from an abusive father when she was fourteen then joined a cult in south Devon. Holly was born there. Her mother escaped just after Holly was born, but unfortunately she fell into the hands of another abusive man, Gerald Fedra, Holly's step father. He was a conservative man who saw nothing but immorality in both mother and daughter, and insisted on beating the devil out of both of them. But the devil had remained in Holly. Before the letters Gerald had merely wanted to turn her into a god fearing women but now he wanted to purge Holly of her wickedness, this deformity of mind that he felt was consuming her body. Dumbledore was a messenger of Satan and Hogwarts was a school of fornication and sin. She was infected with evil; just like her whore of a mother. Gerald believed it was the evilness of the cult that had polluted the daughter with immorality. Holly wasn't sure what she felt, she had been so indoctrinated by her step father that some days she did feel evil. Some days she felt so angry she broke things with her mind, she was beginning to scare herself.

It had always been tough living with Gerald. But things hadn't always been so bad, he had always beaten her mother but once she was diagnosed with brain cancer he had moved on to Holly. She was about eight; at first it was just beatings but later it became systematic. I guess some might call it torture he called it endurance. It was on her tenth birthday that he first sexually abused her, he had touched her she had cried, he had hit her and she had died a little inside. It wasn't the last time, he kept trying, but his hands would always begin to burn and become inflamed when he touched her like that. He knew something was wrong. He tried to tell himself it was the devil in her but he secretly knew it was the devil inside him. When the first letter arrived two years ago in the summer of 73 it all stopped and he never touched her that way again. He was scared, scared of what they would do, what she would do when she harnessed her power. He kept her locked away, with only her sick mother for company. That's when he began moving them. Every three months he would give them new names and dye their hair different colours. He felt it could go on forever this way; he had broken both of them and he had rendered them incapable.

Exactly two months ago Holly's mother had given into the cancer that was suffocating her brain. Gerald had buried her wasted body in the desolate Yorkshire Moors late one April night. They packed up again and this time it wasn't just another city it was another country. They got on a ferry at Cromer and went to Holland, they then travelled east into Germany with the intention of slowly travelling through Poland and then north to Saint Petersburg. They had been in the German city of Bremen for the past six weeks now.

Her mother's death had spurred Holly into action. She hadn't grieved instead she had put all her energy into planning her escape. Gerald was at work most of the day and he locked her in the house during this time. When they had first arrived he had chained her to the sink but he had stopped this last week laughing at his own stupidity in thinking she had the capability to run away. But he was wrong Holly was far from giving up. She was merely biding her time waiting for the right time to strike. The most important thing was giving herself enough time, she needed as many hours as possible to put miles between her and her captor. He always left at 8 am and came home for lunch at midday returning again at 1 and was home for 4 pm sharp. However this Thursdays he had to go to a training course in Hanover and he would be gone from 8 in the morning till about 10 at night. He didn't know that Holly knew this; but she had overheard a hushed phone call when he thought she was asleep. All she knew so far is she would leave and catch the bus to Amsterdam. Then she would find shelter and then somehow contact Dumbledore. She knew his owls would find her, they had found her everywhere they had run too. How long the next letter would take though she wasn't sure, the letters came less frequently now. At one point it had been every day, but now sometimes weeks past without the creamy envelopes with the red wax seal and emerald writing sliding through the letter-box. She knew Gerald would come looking for her, but he would have a hard time as he wouldn't dare go to the police, and the city was unfamiliar and vast. Furthermore he might have a good idea she would flee to Amsterdam but he wouldn't be sure, buses left Bremen thousands of times a day to hundreds of different locations. She had enough money for the fare; she had found thirty deutschmarks under the mattress in their rented apartment. She was ready.

Gerald left that Thursday morning with the instruction that he would be back at twelve. She was sure this was a lie, but not so sure that she didn't get to work straight away. The door was locked fast. She stood in front of it and concentrated her thoughts on what he had done to her, she slapped herself across the face, and it stung. She compressed all her bad memories and tried to make them as vivid as her mind would allow them. She thought of his old wrinkled hand moving up her thigh, she saw only red…the hinges on the door exploded the door fell out of its frame with a thud This wasn't what she had planned, she had only wanted to silently unlock it, but she was far from understanding or controlling her skill. She knew she had to run as soon people would emerge having heard the bang. She could already hear voices. As she hurtled her way down the flights of concrete stairs, heads appeared from doors; they called to her, they shouted but she didn't hear them. She had to get away, she had to run.

When she had arrived at the bus stop she tried to remain composed and calm. She knew how to blend in; she was used to being invisible. She got off the bus six hours later in Amsterdam. She was dead tired and the streets were dark and sleazy. She found a derelict building somewhere near the central station. She sat in a corner and shivered, the place was sheltered but it wasn't a safe place to be. There were remains of small fires, needles, used prophylactics and beer cans littering the floor. It must have been about midnight when her light slumber was disturbed by a prostitute servicing a middle-aged, balding customer. They didn't seem to care that she was there, but she got up and left anyway, she didn't want to be sleeping in a place like this. But she knew she needed to stay put, if Dumbledore was to have any chance of finding her. She wandered the streets for a while, until she stumbled upon the museum set up in the house of Anne Frank. She felt like it was a sign. The book had meant a lot to her when she had read it last summer. She knew how it felt to be locked up. She lay her head against the doorway, feeling comforted for the first time that day. It felt right to rest here, but she should only stay for a little while……

'Me excuseer Misser?'

'Misser?'

The words came to her like an echo reverberating across a infinite space.

'Misser?'

The words became louder, no longer part of her dreams, her eyes fluttered open. Where was she?

'U kunt hier geen Misser blijven, staik het museum te openen op het punt .'

She felt dazed, 'Excuse me?'

'Ah so' he said changing to English, 'Miss you're going to have to move on this is a museum.' He looked at her strangely and then smiled 'Miss you shouldn't be here by yourself, where are your parents?'

'Um, … I went for a walk. I think I have lost track of time', she lied.

He didn't look convinced. But he shrugged you got used to such sights in a big city. He could tell by her face and her clothes that she was a run-away, but how odd that she should have an owl with her.

'Well I should go and find them', she got up to leave.

'Miss, your owl?'

Her eyes grew wide, 'What?'

'Your owl.'

Her head turned to the large snowy creature perching patiently next to her. By it's feet a letter with the red seal of Hogwarts staring at her. She picked it up greedily, the man watched her carefully.

'Miss, you sure you are quite well?'

'Quite, I'm just a bit dazed, I've been ill recently. I really must go I think my parents will be worried. Thank you Sir.'

'Goodbye Miss.'

'Yes, Goodbye' She said whilst staring intently at the owl; would it follow her? The man was still watching her curiously. She gave him a weak but dismissive smile and walked away and to her joy the owl followed her. She made her way to the next street and sunk down against a wall. She turned over the letter, revelling in the fact she finally held one of the letters in her own hands. The green writing spelt out;

Miss Holly King

The House and Museum of Anne Frank

267 Prinsengracht

Amsterdam.

Her face broke out into a huge smile. She felt her heart soar out of her chest. She opened the letter. She had never been allowed to read any of the letters before, all she knew was it was about a school concerned with wizards or 'charlatans' as Frank called them run by some 'bastard Dumbledore' She opened it and read;

_Dear __Holly King,_

_I hope__ this letter finds you well. We here at Hogwarts are becoming extremely concerned about your situation. The new school term starts in two months and again we urge you to attend your third year. Your magical powers need to be exercised before they become redundant. We understand that the fact you are a wizard may have been a shock, as it often is for muggle borns. However we really must insist you rethink your decision to forgo the wizarding world. Living as an underdeveloped witch in a muggle world can be highly dangerous for yourself and others. We have received your letters detailing your Christian values and your parent's letters explaining your reluctant and abhorrence of unnatural practises. However we would like to offer you a visit to Hogwarts this summer so that you can see for yourself that there is nothing to fear. Please get back to us as soon as possible._

_Yours Faithfully_

_Professor Albus Dumbledore_

_Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry_

She began to cry, they had no idea. They didn't realise that her hand had been forced to pen so many letters. The tears ran down her face, mixing with the ink and forming pretty patterns on the creamy parchment. The owl cooed reassuringly, she wiped her eyes, she had to act quickly. Time was of the essence.

She got a pen out of her pocket and turned over the letter, she wrote quickly as the massage had been impregnated in her mind for years now.

_Dear Professor Dumbledore,_

_I need help. I have not been able to attend your school because I have been kept at home against my will. I am in Amsterdam; please find me before he does. _

_My most sincere thanks,_

_Holly King._

She attached her response to the leg of the owl, he hooted affectionately and people stopped to stare as he flew away. Some people looked at her suspiciously. But one person, an American business man smiled 'Got a way with birds I see' and with that a two florin coin landed at her feet. 'Keep out of trouble' he warned but he was smiling. She tried to smile back but the gesture felt foreign and unpractised.

She felt so lucky, she found a little café and ordered a hot cup of coffee and a pastry. She could keep hidden here; she put a newspaper in front of her face and kept her nose down. She didn't know how long the owl would take and how long this Dumbledore character would take to find her. She didn't know how long she could sit there reading a newspaper she clearly didn't understand and nursing an empty cup of coffee. She managed to stay in the café till midday when the waitress politely asked her to either buy something or get lost. She wandered the garish streets for a couple of hours realising that this constant movement would make her harder to find. But did she want to be found? Who was Dumbledore, was he part of the cult that had abused her mother? Her mother had said she had never heard of the man, perhaps she had lied. The letter was very nice, but appearances can be deceptive… she'd learnt that from Gerald. She remembered how nice he had been to start with. He had bought her sweets and toys. He was funny and charming…he was a bastard. He'd ruined her, she was ruined, her nerves were shredded, her body emaciated and her mind unhinged. Recovery was an impossibility, it was all about moving on now. But to where? Where was life taking her?

'Holly!' She heard it and faulted, she span round; where was he?

'Holly stop!' Where the hell was he? She panicked.

She turned and ran, she didn't know if she was going towards him or away. She was weak she could barely run and there were two many people. She felt like she was in slow motion and the tourists were made of stone. The street went blurry as blood rushed to her head clouding her senses. She could hear him running, hear him panting; 'Someone stop her, she's stolen my wallet!' Then more shouts 'She's a pickpocket!' 'That man's wallet!' 'Thief!' 'Stop that girl!'

She was falling; the ground was not there any more. Her head hit the concrete with a sickening thud but she didn't hear it. All was black.

She came round slowly. He had been slapping her. Her face and t-shirt were drenched through. At some point he had emptied a bottle of water over her. She could feel the bricks against her back. They were shaving off her skin like sandpaper. He was talking but it sounded backwards. He punched her in the ribs and then grabbed her long hair pulling her down, her legs buckled under her.

'You little bitch, thought you could escape that easily!'

'I'm sorry, I'm sorry'

'You will be more than sorry soon. Have you contacted them? ……C'mon answer!'

'No'.

'You stupid slut!'

He hit her square in the face, she tasted blood.

'No? Then how come some guy saw you with an owl? Answer me! ' He raised his fist…

There was a flash of red light and then everything went black for the second time that day.

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_Author's Note: Please review and tell me what you think!_


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's Note: None of this is mine, it is all Rowlings._

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Healing; Outside and In

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When she awoke she was alone. She was in a large room full of beds. She tried to get up but she was unable to lift her body. She ached from head to toe. She moved her index finger and her whole body recoiled in pain.

'Oh Holly you're awake!' cooed a middle aged woman

'Where am I?'

'Why you're in Hogwarts, in the hospital wing. In the state you're in I would rather move you to St Mungo's but I'm under strict instructions to keep you here.'

'What happened, how did I get here? Where's Gerald?' she babbled.

''These are all questions you will have to ask Dumbledore. Now I'm going to give you some medicine, it will help the pain. I cleaned you when you arrived last night and you've defiantly got some broken bones. But we will leave them till later as I'm sure you'll be wanting to talk to the headmaster first. You're not in a good way Holly, I'm afraid you're going to be in my wing for a few weeks'. She pushed a teaspoon of blue liquid towards Holly. Holly frowned and kept her mouth closed 'Oh come on dearie, you going to have to trust me'.

'But I don't even know who you are', said Holly rudely.

'I'm Madame Pomfrey, I'm the head nurse here at Hogwarts. Do you want the pain to go away or not?'

Holly gave in, it hurt even to open her mouth. As the liquid went down she flicked her tongue across her lips. They felt tattered.

The woman noticed, 'Yes your lips are a bit nasty, but I'll fix that later too, don't worry pet', and with that she sauntered back out of the room.

Holly closed her eyes, her brain hammered against her skull. Her eyes felt hot, suffocated by her eye lids. She snapped them open and jumped. An old man with a long white beard was standing over her.

'My apologise Miss King, I didn't mean to scare you, Madame Pomfrey said you were awake.'

'I was, I mean I am… I was just shutting my eyes'.

He smiled, 'Well Miss King it is with great sorrow that I introduce myself I am Albus Dumbledore headmaster of Hogwarts and supposed protector of it's students. I am deeply sorry that we didn't act sooner on your behalf'.

'How were you to know?'

'Well I could have checked up on you. But regrettably when this sort of action was suggested I was overruled by the ministry. I suppose in certain cases they are correct, muggle borns are under no obligation to take on their wizarding power but it is highly advisable.'

'I don't think I understood any of that.'

'Right well I guess I should try and fit together some sort of overview for you. You are a wizard, which means you look like a muggle (a non-magical person) but you have special powers with the the help of a wand' He pulled out of his pocket what to Holly looked like a shiny twig. 'With which you can do magic', and to demonstrate he turned her bedside lamp into a vase of flowers and back again. She gasped. 'However although magic lies within the wizard how to control it must be taught. It is a mixture of hand movements, incantations, mental agility, potion brewing and more. Some wizards are from pure blood families, others have only one parent who is magical and some such as you have neither. But this doesn't lessen your magical ability, it is a merely a case of either having it or not. When you turned eleven, two years ago you should have come here to be schooled, but alas this has not been the case. And carelessness here has led to the current state you find yourself in. I personally will do my best to bring you up to scratch over the next two months before term starts. No doubt you will still be behind but with extra tutoring throughout the year you should have made up the difference between you and your fellow students. Hogwarts is now your home.'

'What about my step father?'

'Eh? Your step father? Our records record him as your biological father'.

'Yes I believe he is recorded as that, but it isn't true. I don't know who my father is… do you think he was a...'

'-We will have to look in to that later.' Dumbledore interrupted,' At the moment Gerald Fedra is being held by the Danish Police. The guards have been confunded', Holly looked puzzled. 'Sorry, made magically confused by agents from the ministry of magic, until it is known what should be done with him. I arrived while he was attacking you. He was stunned and has been in an unconscious state ever since. Giving the new evidence that he is not your father, I believe there will be no complication concerning your attendance here'

'Will I have to testify against him', she shuddered.

The old man sighed, 'Most likely yes, I'm so sorry Holly. But we will cross that bridge when we come to it. However at the moment my only concern is your health. He has broken two of your ribs and your collar bone. These will be fixed tonight. It is much faster than muggle healing and has more permanent and less damaging results. Madame Pomfrey will heal your cuts and bruises and see to that lip. After this we will help you get your health back. You need to put on a lot of weight and exercise more; you have been confined for too long.'

'Thank you Professor'

'Don't thank me. I did very little. You have been the brave one. Now I think you should get some rest'.

'No really thank you, not just for rescuing me, but for not giving up. Thank you for sending all those letters…it was the arrival of those letters that kept me alive… the fact I knew I hadn't been forgotten.'

He smiled,'Rest, Miss King', and with that he left.

* * *

She had been at Hogwarts a week and she was just beginning to move around. Her bones were healed and her lip magically sewn together. She was practising walking around the ward. She went to the end of the hall and turned around to walk back when out of the corner of her eye she saw a girl. Tears welled up in her eyes; she hadn't seen her reflection in so long. Oh how she had changed. She looked awful! She was taller and far skinnier than she remembered. Her arms where like twigs her bones tight against her skin. Her skin was naturally pale, but now it had taken on an almost translucent glean. Her hair ridiculously long hung limply from her head like rats tails. Her roots showed a whitish blond but the rest of her tresses were tar black. She remembered how huge clumps of her hair had come out in her hands when she tried to wash it so she had stopped. Her face once pretty was gaunt and sallow. Her large features extruded from her emaciated face making her look twice her age and ghoulish. Her nose sat crooked from when her step father had broken it and refused to take her to the hospital or set it himself. He had wanted to make her look ugly, the beautiful were vain, and vanity was the devil's favourite sin. She ran her thin fingers down her body. Her chest was flat, her hips slight, there was not a curve in sight. Her body which should have been blooming into woman hood lay flat and rakish like a boy. She put her head in her hands and fell to the floor and sobbed, she cried for the first time since she had arrived at Hogwarts. All the pain came flooding out; her body shook with all her suppressed tears.

* * *

The weeks went by slowly; each small step was an effort. But she was happier then she had ever been. Her body was beginning to strengthen, but the process was slow. She was so used to not eating that forcing down the huge plates of roast dinners and sticky toffee pudding was often painful. Her favourite parts of the day were her lessons with Dumbledore, she didn't have her own wand yet but he had supplied her with a spare one. It made the lessons more difficult but it was better than none at all. He had promised that once she was stronger Hagrid the gamekeeper would take her to Diagon Alley to get her own. This morning they were practising transfiguration, where she was meant to be turning a flobberworm into a pencil.

'Oh well done Miss King!' Dumbledore applauded.

'It's still a bit squidgy', she said poking it.

'But I'm sure at this rate you'll have it perfect on the next try.'

He turned it back into a worm and she tried again.

'Perfect! That was super; I think that's enough for today. Why don't you take a walk of the grounds, they really are lovely this time of year' he suggested.

'I feel as though I haven't been outside in centuries', she laughed.

'Come on I'll walk you to the entrance hall'.

She had been exploring the grounds of Hogwarts for well over an hour when she collapsed under a tree by the side of the great lake. She decided this was by far her favourite spot; you got the most dazzling view of the castle reflected in the lake. She was in awe of Hogwarts; it was beautiful, so peaceful and so safe. She loved it how it was now. She tried to imagine what it would be like when it was flooded with students, how would they treat her? She wasn't accustomed to people her own age. Her mind clouded with worry.

* * *

She stared in awe as she wandered through Diagon alley her hand clasped tightly in Hagrid's much larger one. He had become rather protective over the little girl. She was so fragile, she had put on a lot of weight but she was still scrawny as hell, but at least she didn't look like she was on death's door any more. They had a lot to buy as Holly didn't own a thing; she needed clothes, school robes, books, a cauldron and most importantly a wand. All these things were easy enough to get hold of but they didn't come cheap. She had been worrying about this for some time and had finally plucked up the courage to tell Dumbledore she had no money of her own. This was no surprise to him, he told her of a grant system whereby money was supplied by the department of education for young wizards in her situation. Once she was eighteen, there were loans she could apply for just like in the muggle world. She would be fine. Her tension eased but it didn't disappear. She desperately wanted money of her own, to Holly money had begun to symbolise freedom and the means of escape. She was happy at Hogwarts but she still didn't feel free or independent.

Once they had finished shopping, Hagrid took Holly to the Leaky Cauldron for her first pint of Butterbeer.

'You look so much better Holly'

'Thanks, I feel better.'

'You excited about the new school year?' he asked sensing she wasn't.

'Is it that obvious?'

He smiled weakly.

'I'm just nervous. I'm not used to people, and they will all know each other'.

'You'll be fine and if it ever gets too much for you, well, you knows where my cabin is'.

'Thanks Hagrid'.

'Thought about what house you want to be in?'

'Well I don't get a choice do I, any will do. I'm just happy I finally made it here at last'.

'You're right, Hogwarts is a special place. I remember how happy I was when I got in, never dreamed in all my life... I mean someone like me.'

She felt very close to Hagrid at that moment, he above anyone knew how it felt to be an outsider.

* * *

She was sitting in the centre of the Great Hall, it was full of boys and girls. The sorting hat was placed on her head. The room went deadly silent, the hats voice boomed loudly across the hall; 'There's nothing in here! I can't find a thing! She's retarded!' The Hall erupted with laughter. 'Get her out of here!' 'Get her out of Hogwarts!'

She sat up quickly; her sheets were damp with sweat. She took long deep breaths. The students were arriving tomorrow and she would be sorted. She was dreading it with every fibre of her being.

She awoke early and took a long hot shower. It almost burnt her skin but it felt good, purifying almost. She stood and looked at her naked body. She was defiantly looking better. Her skin looked healthier and her hips no longer jutted out so painfully. Her hair still looked like shit, she had been meaning to ask someone if she could get hold of some dye or a spell to change it back to blonde again. The light roots and darks ends made her look manic. Her face fuller than before was starting to regain its prettiness. Her large ice blue eyes were starting to sparkle again. Her nose however jutted out at an odd angle. Had it been a nice nose before, she couldn't remember… perhaps there was some magical spell for that too. She dressed in her new school robes. They weren't the most flattering of things, but she defiantly looked better than normal. She smiled. It looked weird. She stopped.

* * *

She met with Dumbledore before the other students were due to arrive.

'I think it would be best if you stayed with Professor McGonagall, while the older students come into the hall. She will go and greet the first years and you can go with her. You can then walk into the hall with them and be sorted. You will be sorted first and I will explain you are a new student in your third year.

'Thanks professor, I'm glad I won't be walking in alone'.

'That's what I thought, it will all be fine Miss King. I mean this is unusual, we hardly ever have students who join after first year but it is not unheard of. You are obviously as free as you please to tell any students as much or as little of your past as you like. It is nothing to be ashamed of. Your belongings will be moved from the hospital wing to your new dorm when the sorting hat decides on your house. They will be their when you return this evening'. He stopped, smiled and asked 'nervous?'

She nodded.

'Good, see you at the feast Miss King.'

Her knees were shaking.

* * *

When she entered the Great Hall at the head of a long line of first years she felt her jaw drop it was more fantastic then she ever could have imagined. The enchanted ceiling was filled with stars and hundreds of candles hovered above their heads. The students were chatting away merrily, hugging and greeting one another. The noise died down as the first years walked down past the tables. She looked behind her and was glad to see a long line of nervous students who looked just as scared as she did.

Dumbledore stood, 'Greetings new students and welcome back everyone else. It is lovely to see you all. Now, let's begin the sorting immediately. First we will be sorting Holly King, who will be joining the third year'.

There was a murmur of surprise but it died down quickly. She stepped forward and sat on the stool as the hat was placed on her head. She felt everyone's eyes on her, such close scrutiny made her feel uncomfortable.

The hat began to speak; she hoped no one else could hear it. 'You have great anger inside you. You crave revenge yet you don't dare admit it to yourself. You could have great power if you gave yourself up to it…… Slytherin could nurture your darker instincts'.

_But I'm not evil. Gerald was wrong. He must be wrong!_

'Ah, but you also have great strength of mind and a power spirit. We can all take control of our own future. We don't have to succumb to the evil lurking inside us. You will always struggle to contain it, but the important thing is you will try, I think it better be GRYFFINDOR!'

She didn't really know what this meant, but she saw a table decorated in red and all the students were cheering and waving at her. She strode towards them relief flooding her body. A pretty red headed girl who looked about her age moved up and beckoned her to come and sit by her. Holly sat and the sorting carried on until all the students had joined their new houses.

Finally Dumbledore stood again, 'Well now that's over I'm sure you are all very hungry and would like to tuck into our marvellous feast!'

There were murmurs of 'hear hear' and 'damn right!'

He continued, 'However I have the usual announcements to make, the forbidden forest is off limits to all students….'

Holly wasn't listening any more. She was looking up and down the table surveying her new housemates. Her eye caught that of a very handsome boy, he looked older than her but she couldn't be sure. He was chatting in a low voice to the boy next to him; they looked as though they were planning something. He turned around and he saw her staring at him. She looked down quickly, just as Dumbledore was finishing his speech. She gasped as the plates in front of her magically filled with food, the boy was quickly forgotten.

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_Author's Note: Please review and tell me if you're enjoying it!_


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's Note: I own nothing, all is J K Rowlings._

* * *

A New Beginning

* * *

Sirius Black turned to his friend, James Potter; 'Prongs it's our first week back, it wouldn't be the same without a little bit of detention!' 

'But what about Lilly?' James whispered.

'Oh come off it,' Sirius sighed turning round to see where the object of James' desire was. Instead he was confronted by a girl he didn't recognise staring at him, she looked away immediately.

He laughed he often had that effect on girls. She must have been the new one they were all talking about when he had entered the hall. He had missed the beginning of the sorting as he had been rendezvousing with Brooke Norton in the second floor bathroom. It was a shame the new girl wasn't better looking, Gryffindor common room was in desperate need of some top quality crumpet.

He turned back to James, 'So is that the new third year?'

'Yeh, she's a bit scary looking isn't she? I thought she would defiantly be in slytherin, she looks like a banshee with all that black hair.'

'Wonder why she's only just joined this year?'

'Dunno mate, Dumbledore didn't say.'

* * *

'Hi I'm Lily Evans.' 

'I'm Holly King, are you in third year?'

'Yes, I guess that means we'll be sharing a dorm,' she then gestured to the four girls sitting opposite. 'This is Svetlana, Jessica, Moira and Layla, they're in third year too. Guys this is Holly she's going to be moving into our dorm'.

They murmured a collective Hello and smiled, some more enthusiastically than others.

'So like why are you only starting this year?' It was Layla. Holly flinched, she had forgotten how brutally blunt teenagers could be. She hesitated, should she lie or tell the truth. She settled for a lie.

'Urm… I've been really ill'.

'For two years?' asked Jessica dumbly.

'Yes, I should have started Hogwarts with the rest of you, but I've been too sick to attend school' she lied. From the shape she was in at the moment, it was quite believable.

'Where you at St Mungo's?' inquired Moira

Holly thought fast, 'My mum's a nurse; she looked after me at home.'

'So you've been home schooled?' quizzed Layla.

'Yeh sort of, but I was very ill so I'm rather far behind with my studies.'

'I'll tutor you!' screeched Lily, 'we can meet in the library in the evening, or I could even see if we could borrow a classroom for a couple of hours…'

The other girls raised their eyebrows 'Lily's second home is the library, or actually perhaps it's her first,' joked Moira.

Lily looked a bit hurt, 'Just because I spend my time reading books rather than fawning over stupid boys like you lot.'

'Talking of which' rounded Jessica 'how gorgeous is Sirius Black looking this year?

'He's gotten taller and broader,' giggled Jessica.

'I hear he's with Brooke,' murmured Svetlana.

'That bimbo, he could do much better' swore Jessica, mouthing a quick sorry to the blonde Svetlana next to her.

'I prefer James, he's already captain of the Quidditch team and he's only in his third year!' swooned Layla.

Lily gave her a nasty look, 'James Potter is a nasty, arrogant, little…'

'Yes, Evans…?' it was James.

Lily continued, 'I was just saying…'

'…How much you love me? how you've been hiding your infactuation for years?' James suggested.

'No I was just about to say how much I despise you and…'

'Go out with me Evans?' he interrupted

'No'

'Please'

'No!'

'Oh Come on, you know you can't resist me'.

'Last time I checked Potter, no actually meant no!' she shouted crossing her arms in annoyance.

'You can't deny that Prongs here doesn't have charm' the boy next to James interjected. Making his friends near him laugh. Holly looked up and again was confronted by the compelling eyes of the handsome stranger.

Layla, Jessica and Svetlana practically had heart attacks. They laughed hysterically, it really wasn't that funny.

'Sirius can you please make him stop looking at me like that!' Lily begged her face contorted with disgust. James' mouth was slightly open and he looked rather dazed that she had said no, like the words weren't quite reaching his brain.

'C'mon boy, put your eyes back in. My apologies ladies', Sirius said flashing that winning smiled and turning back to his friends.

Holly laughed, 'I think he like's you.'

'You think?' lily replied sarcastically 'I hate him, he's such a twat, thinks he's god's gift…'

Holly sat and listened to lily's tirade all the way through dinner. It was extremely comforting to get caught up in someone else's trivial problems rather than being lost in her own.

She fell asleep feeling the happiest she had done in years.

* * *

The next morning she went down to breakfast with Lily, everyone else was perusing their timetables and complaining. Holly helped herself to a stack of American style pancakes, some scrambled eggs, sausage and bacon and proceeded to drown her whole plate with maple syrup. 

The boy sitting opposite eyed her with awe 'I take it your hungry'.

She looked up shocked and then she saw his smiling face. 'I'm Remus' he interjected.

'Hi I'm Holly; I'm trying to gain weight'. She explained.

'If only I was so lucky' sighed one of her roommates Moira, she was looking glumly at her bowl of bran flakes.

'Trust me it's not that fun,' replied Holly. 'I don't even like meat, but I've been told to eat as much protein as I can get my hands on'.

The boy laughed, 'How are you finding your first day at Hogwarts?' he asked.

'I love it, it's so beautiful' she replied enthusiastically.

'Which school were you studying at before?'

Before she could answer they were interrupted, 'Hey Moony already chatting up the new girl' Remus blushed. It was Black, 'C'mon Mate remember that 'thing' we need to do'. He cocked his head towards the entrance hall where James and another boy where loitering.

'Can I finish my breakfast? Remus asked his friend.

'Bring it with you!' implored Sirius.

Remus threw up his hands 'Fine!' He turned to Holly 'it was nice to meet you, I'll see you round,' and with that Remus grabbed a slice of buttered toast and left, Sirius gave Holly a cheeky wink and followed him. If she hadn't already witnessed his flirtatious behaviour last night she might have been flattered. But she had seen him wink at at least six other girls at the feast the night before. Sirius Black certainly thought a lot of himself she thought.

'What are you playing at we said eight o clock last night,' complained James.

'No you said half eight,' retorted Remus.

'I didn't!'

'Leave him alone, he's just embarrassed because he was having a good old flirt with the banshee,' teased Sirius.

'Ooooo did you find out her story' squealed Peter Pettigrew, their mousy friend.

Sirius ignored him and carried on 'I mean mate who am I to stop true love, if you like that sort of thing by all means be my guest'.

'Oh shut up, I was merely being friendly and polite, 'countered Remus, used to Sirius' games.

'Janet Smedley; her Dad's in the Ministry, she said she's been here all summer and her dads in prison!' continued Peter.

'Oh come off it guys, stop being such wankers' exclaimed Remus, finally pushed over the edge by Peter's incessant speculation.

'Well you must admit she's a bit odd, all that dyed black hair and ghoulish white skin,' James argued feebly.

'She's naturally blonde though you can see her roots. She must dye it,' Remus mused.

'Remus Lupin, you dark horse, you like her!' taunted Sirius.

'Don't be a burk Black,' replied Remus, 'It's obvious she's had a hard time and she doesn't need an arsehole like you calling her names'.

'I still think you fancy her,' mocked Sirius.

'Oh why don't you just fuck off' muttered Remus but there was no malice in it, he knew what his friend was doing. Soon they were all laughing.

* * *

The lessons went by in a blur, Holly was trying so hard but she was so far behind everything was a chore. She knew this year was going to be a busy one; she had extra lessons in everything. Luckily she had befriended Lily who loved studying more than anything in the world and she was practically wetting herself at the thought of being Holly's tutor and spending their evenings in the library. Holly was sure she would be less thrilled once the initial novelty of magic wore off. Writing an essay didn't become any more interesting when you swapped the subject from The War of the Roses to the Goblin Rebellions of 1675.

* * *

_Author's Note: Please review as I'm unsure if iIshould write anymore of this story. Thanks._


	4. Chapter 4

_Author's Note: All belongs to J K Rowling._

* * *

**Feeling Stupid and Ugly**

* * *

Holly knew people were whispering about her. She often felt eyes on her as she walked down corridors and when she was sat in class or in the dinning hall. It unnerved her, why was everyone so interested? She knew Lilly was dying to ask her if the rumours where true, but she was too polite.

It was the end of their first week and it was the last lesson on the Friday evening, the class was restless. James and Sirius were charming their ingredients to fly across the classroom and hit unsuspecting Slytherin students in the head, to differing results depending on the volatility of the ingredient. Professor Slughorn had caught them twice already, the third time he turned round to witness a handful of frogsspawn landing on Edwina Knotts head. She screamed.

'That's it!' screamed Slughorn, he waved his wand and the frogspawn magically disappeared. 'Twenty points each from Gryffindor and detention for a week. Potter you move here to the front and sit with Miss Evans, Miss King could you be so kind to move to the back with Black. If either of you two dare touch your wands for the next hour it will be detention for the next month!' With that he resumed writing instructions angrily on the chalk board, muttering the odd oath and the words 'ungrateful', 'rude' etc under his breath.

Lily and Holly sighed as the latter stood up to move. She didn't want to sit next to Black, he was very intimidating. She hoped he didn't try to talk to her. James looked like Christmas had come early; this wasn't a punishment but a reward.

Holly took her seat next to Black.

'I guess I'm on chopping' he said in a friendly tone, 'all the wand waving is up to you,' and he leant back in his chair all relaxed.

'Well I'll try my best,' she muttered not looking at him 'but I'm not very good at potions'.

Great he thought, usually it was either brains or beauty, this chick had neither. And so they progressed quietly, Sirius chopping and Holly wrestled with the recipe.

'What thee…stop!' Holly looked up shocked 'What are you doing?' Sirius exclaimed.

'Adding the Essence of Beatle'. She explained.

'Before the potions cooled, are you mad! Are you trying to blow us up?!' he asked again.

'I'm sorry' she started 'I'm very far behind'.

Behind!' he started, tact long forgotten. 'This is simple stuff, first years know not to do that.'

'I'm sorry' she said genuinely.

'Merlin's beard' he said leaning back and running his fingers through his hair, 'you said you were slow, but even Peter knows that!'

Why wasn't he dropping it? She started to feel angry and embarrassed tears stung her eyes.

'I never said I was slow…but… but this is my first year and I'm…I'm trying my best but there's so much to learn' she stumbled.

'What do you mean?' He asked suddenly interested, 'what do you mean this is your first year?'

'I haven't been to school before' she said simply.

'Yes I know that but you were home taught, that's no excuse?'

Why did she care what he thought? Why was she finding it so difficult to sit there with him looking at her as if she were retarded? She could stand it and she blurted it out before she could stop herself, forgetting that more information always led to more questions. 'My parents are muggles you idiot, I'm home schooled in muggle subjects. I've never done magic before!'

He looked at her dumbly, and then she could see his mind humming over what he had heard and trying to tie up the loose ends. He looked at her strangly as if he knew there was something she had left out.

'Oh'' he said slowly 'I'm sorry, I guess that makes sense why…' He trailed off and looked unsatisfied.

'Yes so anyway I'm trying my best, just keep an eye on me and tell me when I go wrong since you're wandless for the rest of class' said Holly trying to distract him.

'Okay' he said and he smiled but it was small and his eyes were else where. They worked in a amicable silence for the rest of the class until the bell rang.

As they were packing up, Sirius stopped and asked 'Holly, why didn't Dumbledore arrange something, I mean while you were living at home?'

She stared at him; she had already told him more than she had told anyone else other than Lily. She was shocked by his gall, did he think he was catching her out? Did he openly want to prove she was stupid?

'What?' Her tone made her anger obvious.

'I just…'

'You genuinely think I'm lying' she accused him.

No I just can't understand why Dumbledore…'

She cut him off, 'Fine you're right Sirius, I'm stupid, I'm thick as shit, and I made all that crap up about my family to prove to you that I wasn't retarded!' She was shouting now and a crowd was closing in around the fighting twosome.

'I didn't mean it like that!'

'You obviously did. What right do you have to ask me about my private life?'

'Now you're just overreacting!' he retorted.

'I'm overreacting? You're the one who won't let this drop. The talented Sirius Black has to swan around making everyone else feel inferior.' she wasn't quite sure where all these words were coming from, but she couldn't stop them pouring out of her mouth.

'Just because you don't know a cauldron from a carrot you don't have to get all angry with me.'

'You actually think I'm trying to cover something up you're such a arrogant jerk!'

'You're an idiot!'

'Oh this is grand coming from the prince of prats!'

'O fuck this, I'm wasting my breath, you're a stupid ugly bitch!'

There was silence. The both looked at each other.

'No Sirius' Holly said calmly. 'Fuck you' and with that she pushed through the group of students surrounding them and ran out of the room back to the safety of Gryffindor tower.

* * *

It was odd how his words stung her. She had endured worse, but they had no meaning then. They were just sounds that went with pummelling fists and hard feet and eventually the taste of blood. These words held nothing but the malice of an arrogant boy, yet they hurt deeply. They cut like all the words she had heard said about her round school. Ugly and Stupid? Such silly words they didn't mean anything really not said by someone like him. But these were her new people and more than anything she wanted to be accepted. She went to the bathroom and looked at herself in the mirror, as she did so often these days. She was a fright.

At that moment Lily ran into the bathroom.

'Holly are you alright, I saw you run out of potions. Sirius said you had a fight with him'.

Holly didn't reply, she just stared at herself reflected in the glass.

'Holly, is that true?'

'He's a wanker.'

'What happened?'

'It doesn't matter. Do you think I'm ugly?'

'Is that what he said! Oh Holly don't listen to him, he's always saying vile things like that' Lily comforted.

'It's true though I am, but I didn't always look like this.' Holly was talking more to herself than anything. Lily felt uncomfortable and confused, she still knew hardly anything about Holly's life before Hogwarts.

'What do you mean?' Lily asked.

'Well my nose shouldn't be like this for a start, it's broken and hasn't been fixed properly, see?' She then pulled back her hair which usually shrouded her face. 'See this scar,' she pointed to one that ran level with the top of her ear to the base of her jaw. 'That shouldn't be there,' she then pointed to a large patch of different coloured skin on her neck, 'and this isn't just a birth mark. My hair was bright blonde and I wasn't skinny like this. You know i've never had a period. They're not sure if I ever will.'

'Holly, you're scaring me.'

Holly laughed, it felt good.

'Holly, are you alright?' Lily pleaded.

The hysterical laughs turned to tears in Holly's throat and she knelt down and pressed her knees against her chest. She felt Lily's arms around her, hugging her tightly and her mouth pressing kisses against here forehead. 'It'll be fine Holly, don't worry I'm here it will all be alright I promise.' Her friend repeated this over and over again as she rocked Holly in her arms.

* * *

It was two weeks into term and Holly was in the hospital wing having her weekly check up.

'Oh that's another pound, so that means you're seven stone nine.' Madame Pomfrey marked it on a chart. 'Still underweight, I would like it if you could gain at least another stone by Christmas '.

'I'll try' Holly reassured her.

'Well I'll just take your blood pressure and you can go.'

Holly had been trying to build up the courage to ask Madame Pomfrey, for a while now and just as she was about to leave she blurted out, 'Um Miss I was wondering if there is anything you can do about my nose?'

'Your nose?'

'Well you see it was broken but I never got it fixed and…'

'Miss Pomfrey raised her eyebrows, 'Well Holly the bone has been broken a long time, I can use magic but it will still hurt and I wont be able to get rid of all the swelling straight away. It's not affecting you is it?'

'No it's not, but it looks horrid and I don't mind about the pain, please' she begged.

'Okay sit on the bed'. She did, 'Close your eyes.' Madame Pomfrey patted her nose; she heard a crack and her nose filled with blood. The nurse did another incantation and the bleeding stopped 'Oh not nice at all' she muttered under her breath. She tapped Holly's nose again and then stuck a bandage over the bridge. 'Okay I'll just get rid of those black eyes,' and she clicked her wand again and added some ointment. She stood back and looked at her work, 'That looks fine, you'll be able to take off the bandage tomorrow before class and it should only be a little swollen'.

'Thank you' Holly grimaced, her nose aching 'Oh and Miss I thought you could give me something for my scars'.

Madame Pomfrey raised her eyebrows even higher this time, 'Well my dear I have salves that might help, but scars are odd things if not treated straight away. Don't get too hopeful', she said handing Holly a small tube. 'Scars have a habit of sticking to us like glue, they are a part of who you are, sometimes they can be quite comforting,' she said rubbing a small patch of skin on her elbow. With that she handed Holly a huge slab Honeydukes chocolate and ordered 'Eat!' she then left the ward without another word.

You know I never thought I could get sick of eating chocolate, Holly thought to herself.

* * *

'Ahh Miss King, good to see you. You look wonderful!' exclaimed Dumbledore as Holly entered his office.

'Thanks Professor'

'Please sit down and tell me how your lessons are going.'

'Well I think there going well, but I still have an awful lot to catch up on, especially theory.' Holy explained.

'I hear Miss Evans is helping you'.

'Yes she's been so kind'

'Good, she's a bright girl.'

'She is, I feel bad taking up so much of her time,' admitted Holly.

'Well you see this is one of the reasons I invited you to my office. I was going to suggest getting you some other tutors to help you with the more practical subjects like charms, transfiguration and potions. There is only so much you and Miss Evans can achieve in the library after all.'

Holly looked worried.

'Of course it is up to you,' added Dumbledore noticing her frown.

'I'm not sure professor, I mean I don't want them to laugh at me or tell their friends.'

'My utmost priority is that they would be prudent.' Dumbledore assured her.

Holly was pleased that Dumbledore wanted to help her but she was embarrassed all the same. He noticed and explained 'it is for the best Miss King, they would be discreet and it's entirely up to you what you tell them'.

'I guess,' she replied.

'Well there's no need to rush, you just think on it for the moment. The other reason I called you here is that I received an owl this morning which confirmed a date for the trail, it's the 14th of February. So you will have to meet with members of the Wizagmont before Christmas, however this shouldn't be too hard as I am a member. Furthermore we have discovered a storage container in Bristol under your step fathers name, it was filled in the summer of 73 just after you began moving…'

She interrupted, 'No I'm sorry I don't want any of it. I want to forget it. Burn it or something.'

'You can't forget who you once were Holly. It is what makes you who you are today. You have to take those bad experiences and shape them into something positive. I think you would find it cathartic, you could finally have a chance to say goodbye to your mother.'

'I don't need to. I'm fine, I'm healing.' She said trying to sound strong.

'No one expects you to recover this quickly Holly. It's no good papering over the cracks when you're still broken inside.' She could tell he was looking at her nose and her fading scars.

She closed her eyes and blinked back tears. Was she getting better? Or was the outside shell just a façade; just thin layer concealing her inner turmoil?

No, she was defiant 'I'm not trying to cover it up Professor. I'm just trying to restore myself, to the young girl I was before all this'. She could hear the weakness in her voice.

Dumbledore wasn't convinced, 'But Holly you must understand you can't go back. You can't become that seven year old girl again. Your childhood is gone. It isn't fair but we can't live in the past, it only hurt us more. You have seen more suffering than anyone your age ever should, but you must refuse to regress into it, you must embrace it. It is a part of you as much as your hands and feet, you must embrace it!' He finished and the old man looked tired.

'Why are you doing this?' Holly said hurt that Dumbledore would insist on raking over this ground again, bringing up memories she was trying so hard to suppress.

He looked dissapointed and he started slowly, 'The last thing I wanted to do was upset you. I just want you to take your time. I am unsure if returning to the school environment so soon after your ordeal was sensible… it's a lot to take in. Not just the work load, but your new powers and so much social interaction. I worry Holly. I worry that I made the wrong decision'.

'But I'm fine' Holly shrugged, 'I'm the happiest I've ever been!'

For the second time that day Dumbledore didn't look convinced.

* * *

_Author's Note: As always, please review!_


	5. Chapter 5

_Author's Note: J K Rowling owns all. Sorry for the wait, I have no worthwhile excuses._

* * *

**Caro Diario**

* * *

Eventually Holly began to establish some sort of routine. She found habit suited her well; perhaps it was merely stability she had been craving all this time? The days were full to the brim with routine. Run, breakfast, lessons, lunch, lessons, extra study, dinner, more study, sleep. It was perfect. She had made a few friends. She knew the girls in her dorm and she was fast becoming good friends with Lily. Lily had always been a bit of an outsider amongst her peers, preferring to study in the library with her friend Severus Snape. Holly had met him a couple of times, he didn't speak much and neither did she so consequently they got along fine. She was rapidly blending into the walls of Hogwarts, no longer the new girl but embedded within the building as much as the ancient portraits and shifting stairways. The fight with the notorious Sirius Black had not helped her quest for anonymity. But she had avoided him since and had reprimanded herself for being so forthcoming and emotional with strangers. It must havebeen something in the air that day which brought out her boldness. But teenagers forgot quickly, there was always new gossip. She was merely the odd looking girl who started in third year. She still had regular check-ups in the hospital wing and twice monthly meetings with Dumbledore, which were exhausting but at the same time liberating. She was learning quickly, still behind, but she was confident she would have covered all her first year by Autumn Term. Of course it wasn't quite as simple as it sounded. There were blue days, days when Holly felt so isolated from everything and everyone at Hogwarts that she couldn't stand it. Her body would itch and no matter how hard she clawed at her skin it would not slacken its hold on her body. She would tenderise her skin till it was red raw and close to ribbons and still it itched. She sometimes dreamt her skin was aflame with black beetles and the more she tore open her flesh the more they pored forth. Her imagination plagued her at night and Lily often commented on her dark circles and sunken cheeks at breakfast. But it was to be expected, memories so dark don't just vanish into happiness. Lily tried desperately to impregnate Holly's secret fortress, but as much time as she spent with Holly she still felt there was so much she didn't know. After the bathroom incident, Holly had returned from the hospital wing with her nose straighter than before. After that the wall of unsaid secrets had become thicker and Lily was at a loss on how to tactfully breech it. She knew the bare essentials, Holly was forbidden to go to Hogwarts by her parents but when her mother died of cancer very recently Holly was then free to attend. Wizards do not have to attend Hogwarts but most do. That's why Holly wasn't approached by the ministries board of education. Holly was now an orphan and her step father was currently incarcerated for undisclosed reasons. The whole story was holey but Lily could tell that it was all Holly was willing to tell her at this point and even that had taken a lot of trust. However the bathroom incident was three weeks ago now and they still had not spoken of it since, conversation topics remained fluffy, light and inconsequential.

* * *

Holly felt her head clear of all her worries as the sharp wind hit her face. It was amazing how physically and mentally adaptable the human body was. The first run had been pure hell, he legs had felt like jelly and her muscles had ached and her bones creaked. Yet now she couldn't imagine starting the day without her morning run. The other girls in her dorm thought she was mad getting up at six to run laps. Nevertheless Holly would gladly sacrifice her sleep for the solitary slopes of Hogwarts, just her and the majestic turrets and buttresses of the ancient castle; her savoir. Sometimes there were other students who would nod if they passed her, it was all very amicable and mugglelish (if that was a word). You didn't need a wand to run. She always headed out of the great hall turned right ran around the lake then up to the forbidden forest, along it's boarder until she reached Hagrid'scabin. Often she would pop in to give Fang a rub have a cup of tea with the large man. Hagrid was always up at this time and usually had a pot of tea brewing specially for the occasion.

'He wants me to have student tutors!' she moaned.

'Surly that's a good thing Holly?' No answer. 'I mean whose he asked?' Hagrid tried again.

'Remus Lupin for Charms.'

'Nice boy.'

'Severus Snape for Potions.'

'He's quiet, but he's Lily's friend so you'll know him already.'

'And Sirius 'Knob-head' Black for Transfiguration.'

'Oh I see, take it you don't like him.'

'He's…' She couldn't think of the word, so she made an angry sound instead.

'I guess he's a bit cocky, but he's a good lad really,'reasoned Hagrid.

'Hmpfff,' snorted Holly, 'I despise him!'

'Oh Okay' said Hagrid, he found it difficult to understand angry teenage girls.

They drank their tea for a bit in silence then Hagrid piped up.

'You should take the help Holly, Dumbledore's trying to help you, be a bit ungrateful if you were to throw it back in his face.'

She looked hurt, then disappointed 'Yeh I know you're right.'

'We all got pride, but sometimes you have to shelve it'.

'Oh crap, what have you done to me Hagrid!' she shouted exasperated but playful. 'You and your wisdom!'

'Eh me? You knew all along you'd have to accept the help. You just wanted to complain about it for a bit,' he said smiling.

''You think you know me that well?' she questioned then grinned 'You're probably right though, I just want to rant about that fuck head Sirius Black.'

'Oi, Language!' Hagrid protested. To think he had thought her a meek little lamb, but she had a temper and a tongue.

'Just getting it out of my system,' said Holly innocently.

'Another cuppa?' He offered.

'No thanks I better get going, Lily said she'd go over the eighteen uses of the Mandrake Root with me before first period.'

She drained her cup said her goodbyes and existed the small hut. She then turned back towards the lake. She felt alive with the wind whistling through her hair; working loose long tendrils from her hair band and sending them whipping around her face. In the distance she saw a lone figure sitting alone under a tree; her tree; her favourite spot. It was a he and that he was reading something and the he was a certain Sirius Black. Usually she might have stopped there, stopped to breath in the beauty, but he was there. She carried on, cursing Sirius Black.

He was zoned out; his eyes stared blankly at the letter held weakly between his fingers. If he was that sort, he might of cried. But he wasn't. He was suddenly aware of the sound of pounding feet against earth. He looked towards the entrance hall and saw a student taking a morning run, a delicate figure against the frosty morning sun. Crazy people he thought up at this time when they could be warm in bed, not realising the irony.

* * *

Holly met Lily in the great hall for breakfast. She hadn't had time to dry her hair and she had it pulled off her face in a tight bun. It was odd seeing so much of her face; it was now Lily noticed how much better her new friend was looking. Her cheeks still slightly flushed from her run and her eyes bright.

'Whats the fattiest thing on the menu this morning?' asked Holly, it had become a little joke between the two of them.

'Croissants with butter and chocolate spread,' suggested Lily.

'No fry up?' said Holly in mock disappointment.

They both laughed. Holly began to pour herself a cup of coffee.

'Good Run?' asked Lily.

'Yeh, I stooped at the hut and had a cup of tea with Hagrid.'

'It's nice that you've become so close,' commented Lily.

'He was a good friend to me over the summer, he told me to go ahead with the tutoring.'

'See, just like I said.' Lily could be so self-righteous sometimes she thought.

'I know you were both right.' admitted Holly.

'You know he's not that bad.'

Holly gave Lily a stern look.

'Okay, okay I agree he's an arrogant pig but what else am I supposed to say!' Lily looked indignant, 'Nevertheless Remus is really nice and you know Sev, he's a sweetie really.' Sweetie is not a word Holly thought she would ever be using to describe Severus Snape. 'Dumbledore picked them because they're the best in the year in those particular subjects' Lily added begrudgingly.

'I know, I'm going to feel so stupid,' moaned Holly.

The mail arrived and Holly scanned the Prophet while Lily read a letter from her sister, Pertunia.

'He was outside sitting by the lake this morning' said Holly, absentmindedly.

'Who?' asked Lily, confused.

'Sirius, he looked sad he was reading a letter it was odd.'

'Strange, wonder what it was about?'

'Dunno, I was surprised you only usually see a couple of joggers, not people sitting on the wet ground in the morning cold.'

'He gets a lot of howlers perhaps he intercepted his owl and went to open it where no one would hear, that's what I would do,' said lily adding quickly 'If I ever got one, that is.'

'Maybe,' said Holly, she didn't like speculating about other people's private life, as she knew how much it pissed her off when people did it to her.

'It's so embarrassing when they go off in the hall, his mums a proper pure blood nutcase,' whispered Lily.

Poor Sirius thought Holly and then inwardly scolded herself for thinking such treacherous thoughts.

* * *

'Hi Holly, I'm sorry I'm late!'

'Hi,' she muttered.

'I was in the library and I totally lost track of time, have you been waiting long?' asked Remus Lupin.

'Ten minutes.' She said, inwardly cursing herself at how rude her short answers sounded.

'Oh, I'm really sorry', he searched for the words 'I won't do it again, promise'. He laughed nervously, god this was awkward thought Holly.

'Well this is a bit awkward,' he spoke her thoughts. 'I've never done tutoring before, what do you need help with?'

'Urm, this chapter here,' she pointed to chapter 6: Defensive Charms. 'I missed this bit'.

'Yeh, Dumbledore said, you missed quite a lot of school…' he trailed off.

She smiled, why say any more, everyone had their theories on where she had been. She would let them indulge their own fantasies.

'Well let's get started'

The time past quickly and she was surprised that a full two hours had past when Remus told her they should head back to the common room before curfew.

Once they left the classroom the silence was palpable. Without the common subject of learning to keep them occupied conversation dried up quickly.

'You're really good at charms,' Holly tried, her mouth dry.

'Thanks it's my favourite subject.'

Silence

'Dumbeldore said you were the best in the year.'

He blushed, 'Oh I don't know about that.'

More silence.

'So are you looking forward to our first Hogsmead weekend?' he volunteered.

'Yeh sounds good, have you been before?' Questions she thought its all about questions, the essence of conversation. Questions equal responses.

'Yeh, but not officially' he said. He grinned, it made her happy. There was something so likable about Remus Lupin. He wasn't intimidating at all, the way he stood there failing to look cool while hinting about his late night trips with the Marauders.

'They have a huge Zonkos and a Honeydukes, where they sell every flavour of Bertie Botts Beans ever made!' Remus said more animated now.

She tried to look excited, she had a rough idea what these things were but she wasn't quite sure.

'It sounds great. I hope there's a pub!' and then not wanting to sound like an alcoholic she added 'I really want to try butterbeer again, I had some the last time I was in the leaky cauldron. It was really nice.'

He gave her an odd look and then noted the large cross hanging around her neck, and remembered the thing she said before about her religious family. Temperance people, he thought.

'They have a couple of pubs the best is The Three Broomsticks, the landlady's really nice,' he went a little red.

Holly smirked. They arrived in the common room it was pretty busy.

The Marauders were by one of the large red sofas. She glanced at Sirius Black; his arms were outstretched resting along the back of the sofa and his head was thrown back. The posture was relaxed yet staged. He looked like a picture in a glossy magazine, so perfect yet false. Layla was sitting next to him and Jessica was perching on the arm rest next to her friend, they were both chatting way but Sirius didn't look as if he was listening at all. James was on the other side doing tricks with his snitch and Peter was looking on, clapping manically with every catch.

'Well, I'll see you later then,' said Remus, 'next week, same place, same time?'

'Yes, Thanks for giving up your free time,' she said.

'No worries,' he reasured her.

'See you round!' she called after him, feeling a little embarrassed by her outburst of enthusiasm.

She scanned the room for Lily. She was by herself reading a book. She caught her eye and waved and joined her friend.

'Sooo… come on give me details!' Pleaded Lily.

'Like what?' asked Holly surprised at how swoony Lily was being.

'Like really how good is he at charms?'

'Oh' said Holly, suddenly realising what Lily meant by 'details'.

'How was his wand technique?'

At this Holly struggled extremely hard to keep a straight face.

* * *

She opened the cover and wrote:

_The Secret Diary of Holly King. _

It looked right. She turned the page and she wrote _Dear_and then stopped. Dear who? Anne Frank wrote to Kitty, but that didn't feel right. Dear diary that would be the proper thing. Journal? No that was too formal. Perhaps she could name it? Lawrence? No, not male, Clara or Geraldine? No they were crap; she'd always liked the name Scarlett. But that too was wrong; her diary was no wanton red head. Dumbledore had told her to write for herself, letters to herself, taking her inner feelings and venting them outward. Releasing them; freeing them. Giving them actuality through the printed word. So they became tangible things rather than spectres of another time.

_Dear Holly, aged 6_, she began.

_If I had known you then how I know you now, would I tell you? Would I tell you how you died?_

She stopped. It wasn't time. She nearly tore out the page but she hesitated and closed the diary and shoved it under her bed. For another time she thought. She wasn't ready, not to commit it to paper. She could say it into the air on a rainy day or whisper it into her pillow in the safety of an empty dormitory but she wasn't ready to release it on the stark grainy page.

* * *

'Oh' was all Lily said when Holly confided in her the whole gruesome tale. It seemed appropriate. Lily had finally asked outright and Holly almost felt like she wanted to tell her, tell anyone. Perhaps it was out of respect for Lily as a friend or maybe it was just to see her colour change, the pink ruddy flesh change to dappled white. To see the horror in Lily's eyes to see them widen with each account of abuse, to see the brightness of childhood innocence dim with each tale of violence. Is this why Gerald enjoyed it she thought? At first Lily's emerald eyes had brimmed over with inexperience, clouded with optimism and expectation, now they looked stale like black dots lying dead in their sockets.

Holly felt cruel; she could have told it nicer. She could have spared her the details. It wasn't enough, but it felt good to have another person share the weight of her burden.

'Don't you dare treat me any different,' snapped Holly when she had finished.

Lily had shaken her head, she opened her mouth to speak but all that came out was the small strangled 'Oh'. Her eyes were damp, she felt like a child. She remembered the day when she was about seven and she had watched a program about the Holocaust and cried for hours, wishing she could somehow change the past. She had felt guilty later when an ice cream and a game of scrabble had helped dry the tears. The bunkers of Auschwitz long forgotten with the simple glee of being a carefree child. She could cry for Holly, but the pain was obtuse it would slacken and then become nothing more than a story which had once made her teary. For Holly it was real, it was more than a sorry tale it was her life. It was a silly way to think, but Lily would always feel guilty for only offering Holly tears and pity.

* * *

_Author's note: Please review, it would be much appreiciated. Thanks._


	6. Chapter 6

_Author's Note: All aspects of the magical kingdom and the characters that dwell within it are the property of J K Rowling._

**No Show**

* * *

The lessons with Severus had been uneventful. He seemed distracted and jumpy. He dropped a couple of thing and swore loudly but apart from that he had said very little. Holly was really struggling to understand what Snape and Lily had in common, apart from a love of the library.

When Holly entered the common room Lily was no where to be seen, realising she had no one to talk to she trudged upstairs to her dormitory. The lights were off. None of the bed curtains were drawn except Lily's. She could hear a sniffling sound coming from behind the drawn bed curtains.

'Lily is that you?' She asked dumbly to the darkness. There was no reply, she turned on her bedside lamp and took a couple of steps closer to Lily's bed.

'You alright Lily…?' she asked again.

'Yeh I'm fine just a cold, gone to bed early,' came the muffled reply from behind the curtains.

'Are you sure?'

'Yes I just felt a bit ill that's all,' came the reply.

'You sound really bad; can't I check and see if you're alright?'

'I just won't to be left alone, okay?'

'Okay,' Holly relented and started undressing for bed. All of a sudden she turned round and rather abruptly she blurted out, 'I know you're not ill Lily, you're crying and I wouldn't be a very good friend if I didn't try to find out what's wrong or at least tell you that I'm here if you want to talk.'

The sniffling stopped and there was a good minutes silence and then Lily cried out 'I hit him!' and burst into tears again.

'Hit who?' demanded Holly, feel foolish having this conversation with someone she couldn't see.

'Severus!'

'Oh really Lilly I can't talk to you like this any longer!' Holly said tearing open the drapes.

Lily was a sorry state. Her face was pink and ruddy and her eyes puffy. Her red mane was sodden and tangled from where she had sobbed all over it. Holly sat attentively on the corner of the bed.

'Why Lily? What did he do?' she asked earnestly.

'He…he called me a…a… s-slut and then he tried to kiss me!' Lily squealed in between sobs.

'What?' said Holly more confused then ever.

I told him that I had agreed to go to Hogsmead with James and then he said that and I said something nasty back and then he tried to kiss me and then I slapped him, and then he ran away. I think I've lost my best friend. He probably hates me!' she wailed.

'He tried to kiss you?' questioned Holly, desperately trying to regain some sort of clarity.

'Yes, he grabbed my face with his hands. It was horrible.'

'And he called you a slut?'

'Yes.'

'Well Lily what are you so upset about you shouldn't have just slapped him you should have kneed him in the…'

'Oh don't, poor Severus he didn't mean any harm, he just gets worked up so easily. Why did I say yes to James, I don't even like him!'

'Do you fancy Sev?'

'Ewwwww noo he's my friend.'

'Do you think he fancies you?'

'Of course not, were friends!'

Lily's absolute stupidity hit Holly in the face like a ton of bricks. She may be the cleverest girl in their year but her naivety was staggering.

'Don't worry Lily, by the sounds of things he'll be a lot more embarrassed tomorrow then you will be,' reassured Holly.

'But I hit him!' Lily was wailing again, Holly had a good mind to slap her. Her patience with Lily had grown thin recently.

'In my opinion Lily, he got off lightly.' She half listened to Lily for another half hour than made an excuse that she wasn't feeling too good and crawled into her bed, pulling the pillow down over her ears to drown out Lily indulgent sobs.

* * *

Breakfast the next morning was a tiring affair; Holly sat and patiently listened to Lily squeal about the whole Severus fiasco. She liked Lily when she was studios and sensible but when the reality of being a teenager hit home Lily was the most annoying girl in the world. Holly looked over toward Moira who was silently reading the Daily Prophet and eating a yogurt- breakfast bliss she thought- staring dubiously at her greasy English breakfast and a side plate of fried bread.

She read the back page of Moira's paper it read _'Voldemort: The Search Continues'._She followed the newspapers religiously; surely this was a big deal. From the little she knew about this Voldemort he sounded like a fucked up guy who needed to be locked up, but here was the article on the last page. Front page was dedicated to the sixth break up this year of the wizard band Hell Katz. Why did she read the paper? It was so depressing, not just what was written but what wasn't.

* * *

Lily couldn't study with Holly that evening as she had to go and to put in Lily's own words 'sort this catastrophe out with Sev'. On one level Holly was glad it meant she didn't have to listen to any more of Lily's incessant girl-ness but now she would have to return to the common room alone and probably sit alone for the rest of the evening. She decided to curl up on one of the many comfy armchairs with a cold glass of milk, a cauldron cake and a good book. She knew she should be studying but hell, she needed a break. She had been scouting through the muggle studies section earlier that weekend and she had found a whole section dedicated to Muggle Fiction-Joy! She opened her copy of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kingsly. It had been placed in Children's stories to her horror and amusement. It still surprised her how ignorant most wizards were to muggle culture. She knew the book was a modern cult classic, the film version being released the year before; her mother and Gerald had gone to see it – she hadn't. She was a good twenty pages in and already engrossed in the book when she heard her name.

'Hi Holly!' It was Remus.

'Hi' she said, looking up.

'You look comfy,' he said

She smiled, she was all curled up on the sofa, wearing leggings, a huge jumper and toastie socks. Her jumper was littered with cake crumbs.

'The joys of reading a good book' she mused.

'Can I sit with you,' he asked 'I mean if you want to read that's…'

'No, sit. Where are the others?' she asked.

He knew who she meant, 'James and Sirius are practising for Quidditch tryouts, Peters watching. It's a bit too cold for me though' he added as an afterthought. 'You don't usually hang out in the common room, I was surprised to see you.' He commented.

'I study in the library most evenings but I needed a break.'

'What's the book?'

'One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest.'

'Never heard of it.'

'It's a muggle book, rather famous.'

'Well reading that would be like studying for me, I'd have to keep looking words up.'

'That's how I feel,' she sighed.

'What?'

She smiled, 'Doesn't mater, but really there are so many amazing books written by muggles, and not just books, but paintings, films and music. It's sad it's all worthless here.'

'I've heard of the Beatles' said Remus looking very impressed with himself, 'and Elvis Parsley.'

Holly nearly spat her milk out as she burst into a fit of giggles.

* * *

Sirius entered the common room, looking for Remus. He'd fallen off his broom at the start of practice and broken his wrist. He'd been with Madame Pomfry for the last half hour being scolded for reckless flying. He wanted to tell his story to someone. He spotted his friend over in the far corner near the fire place sitting with someone. It was a girl…fuck it was the Banshee. Why hadn't he recognised her? Well all that black hair was pulled tightly off her face in a messy bun. It made her look less scary, made you realise her face wasn't that bad, it was quite nice really, what had changed he couldn't put his finger on it. But the main difference was she was smiling, but not just that pathetic half smile she always did, she was really smiling. She had a large mouth and now it was stretched wide across her face and all because of Remus. He strolled across the common room, dodging a couple of girls that tried to intercept his path.

'Alright Moony!' He said waving his bandaged wrist obviously.

'Fuck, what happened to you?' exclaimed Remus and immediately he looked at Holly apologetically for his slip of the tongue. She quickly stifled another laugh.

'I pissed James off said something about Lily and Snivelus and he pushed me off my broom, the soft bastard.'

'Probably served you right, you know how angry he's been since she broke of their Hogsmead date,' reasoned Remus.

'It was just a joke, he just get so damn protective over his future wife,' Sirius defended himself.

'What did you say?' asked Remus.

'Well they; Evans and Snape I mean were walking across the grounds, past the lake, and I said it looked like Snivulus was having more luck with Evans than he was… see that really isn't that bad.'

'Quite restrained for you' said Remus

'Were they fighting?' interjected Holly

'Who?'

'Lily and Sev.'

He gave her a do I know you look followed by a why r u so interested look then said 'no, why?'

What a wanker, she thought. But she kept her cool, 'Oh good, no reason.'

'Bullshit no reason, you're her friend. Are they really together?' Sirius interrogated her.

'No don't be daft, they just…had a little fight that all' She might have been annoyed with Lily but she would still defend her against malicious rumours.

'Sounds like a relationship to me.' said Sirius.

'Friends fight,' countered Holly.

Sirius ignored her 'Anyway talking of relationships, you two look very happy in this cosy corner.'

Both Remus and Holly went red.

'Holly was enlightening me about muggle music,' Remus stumbled.

'Oh,' said Sirius nonchalantly, 'I listen to quite a lot of that stuff, mostly just to piss my mum off'.'

'Really?' said Holly intrigued.

'Don't sound _so_ surprised' he said.

'What do you listen to?' she asked.

'Well you know The Doors, Led Zeppelin, The Rolling Stones stuff like that.'

She didn't want to look too impressed but she was, it was nice to hear these familiar things said in her new world. Lily was muggle born but she liked shit like Donny Osmond.

Sirius sat down and began talking to Remus, she soon lost track of the names she had never heard of and who they had screwed, dumped, hexed ect. So she began to read her book again. But it was more enjoyable this time. She wasn't quite alone anymore, for they were sitting _with_ her. About half an hour later she stood up yawning, 'See you later guys, I'm hitting the hay, I'm cream crackered.'

They looked at her bemused

'Knackered,' they still looked lost. 'Wizards' she mumbled as she stumbled towards the staircase leading to the girls dormitories.

Suddenly there was a pat on her arm, she swung round it was Sirius, he'd followed her.

'Yes' she said startled.

'Hey I meant to say before, but you know Moony was there and I didn't want to embarrass you not that you should be embarrassed…'

'Sirius I know Dumbledore has asked you to tutor me,' she interrupted.

'Oh right'

'Yeh I am embarrassed, but I'm going to have to get over it, at least I'm not taking remedial muggle studies or something. Beside Moony is tutoring me in Charms'.

'Oh and you don't mind?' he asked.

'Well to be honest I'd rather it wasn't you but you're the best in the year and I need help.'

'Thanks,' he said unimpressed, 'what a compliment!'

'Well what do you expect after last time?'

'That was your fault,' he accused.

But she was in too much of a good mood, 'You're an absolute twat Sirius Black, but you like The Doors so I guess you get a second chance,' and with that she left him at the bottom of the stairs his mouth wide open.

When she got up to her dorm she pinched her face a couple of times. She felt it, she felt it in ever muscle and every bone… she felt normal, she felt like a normal teenager.

* * *

She sat waiting in the empty classroom, her hands folded neatly on her lap and her wand in front of her on the desk. It was beautiful she thought. 10 inches, willow with a dragons heart string. She checked her watch fifteen minutes, where was he? Wasn't it the student that was supposed to be late not the teacher? After waiting half an hour, Holly decided to leave. She wondered why he hadn't shown, perhaps he was ill or he'd hurt himself in Quidditch again.

She reached the Portrait of the Fat Lady, 'fliberty-gibit' she muttered,

'Cheer up honey' cooed the old lady, Holly threw her a nasty look.

She made her way toward the girl's stairway, when she heard a familiar laugh. She turned and who could she see but Sirius Black, he had his arms wrapped round a curly haired fourth year. Damn him she thought, if she had had the nerve she would have walked up to him and given him a piece of her mind. But that would cause a scene and announce to the whole of the common room that she needed help. She swallowed her pride and stalked up stairs to her dorm, she couldn't believe she had trusted him.

* * *

'I don't know if we can get anything done, I can't hear myself think!' Remus went over to the window and shut it angrily. 'Damn Quidditch trails!'

'Didn't you fancy trying out?' Holly asked.

'Me? No, I'm not the best flyer. Also it's a big commitment; I don't think I'd have the time.' He wasn't looking at her.

She walked over to join him by the window and stared out. It was really amazing to see them fly like that. She wondered if she would ever get on a broomstick.

'Look, there's Sirius, he's trying out for Beater and he's pretty good.' Said Remus, pointing to a dark spec zooming through the air.

'Hmppfff' muttered Holly, 'you know he's meant to be helping me with Transfiguration, he didn't show for our first two tutorials! He's not even come to find me and explain himself.'

'Perhaps he forgot, he does that,' explained Remus.

'But he told me himself that he was going to tutor me, he's so rude. I don't want to go and sit in an empty classroom for the third time I feel like a right idiot.'

'I'll remind him, when is your lesson?'

'Thursday, thanks Remus' she said genuinely grateful, she didn't want to hunt down Black herself.

'No probs,' he reassured her. 'Now we better get back to work. Have you got your anthology of basic charms with you?'

'Yes.'

'Good, I'm going to find something that will block out that infernal noise.'

A very rude song about the Slytherin Quidditch team could be heard from the pitch below. Remus looked down, embarrassed, bless him Holly thought.

* * *

The following Thursday Sirius didn't show again, she couldn't wait to inform Dumbledore that she was right, Sirius Black was not a suitable choice as her tutor. He was a first class twat.

* * *

_Author's Note: Please do review, I'm just writing this as I go along, so any suggestions or requests will be considered. Many Thanks to the few who are reviewing, it is very much appreciated._


	7. Chapter 7

_Author's Note: I own fuck all, all belongs to JK. Enjoy!_

* * *

**The 'God' of Transfiguration**

'So, I hear someone is in need of a little help from the god of transfiguration' stated Sirius suavely while strolling into the class room.

'You're late' she stated bluntly.

'At least I showed up,' he said flashing a winning smile as if the situation were funny.

'Three weeks Sirius?'

'Only two' he argued back.

'Three whole evenings I've sat here waiting for you,' she was aware she was beginning to sound like an abandoned wife.

'I told Remus to tell you I was ill,' it was a poor excuse and obviously a lie.

'Well he didn't tell me'.

'Trust Moony to forget,' he sighed dramatically, 'I've been really ill, quite contagious, I shouldn't even be here tonight, but what can I say? I'm a saint.'

'I guess it's the kind of illness that requires you to grope fourth years and fly broomsticks'. She said curtly.

'Something like that,' he shrugged knowing he was caught out. He strolled over to the open window and lit a cigarette. He didn't offer her one, she would have said no but all the same it would have been polite. The smell was alluring it reminded her painfully of her mother, she too had smoked Marlboro Reds; chain smoking them till the day she died.

He took a couple of long drags, 'So you've been spying on me?'

'Yes, I've got binoculars and everything' she said sarcastically. 'I guess you think I should be grateful that I'm being graced by your presence this evening?'

'Well yes,' he stated plainly, 'if I remember correctly it's me who's doing you a favour.'

'If I remember correctly' she countered 'you're in desperate need of extra credit and furthermore you're forgetting that if it was up to me, _not_ Dumbledore I would never be in the same room as you for the rest of my life'

'Well in that case we must be thankful to dear old Dumbledore, I don't know if I could survive the school year without the insults you lavish upon me.' He was flirting, she would have to get used to it. He just couldn't switch it off. She found it insulting. He did this with everyone, even the female teachers. It was no compliment; it merely demonstrated his lack of respect for the female population, assuming them all susceptible to his meagre charms.

Put him in his place she thought; 'Just shut up Black.' Simple but effective.

He looked a little taken aback, 'Someone's grouchy,' he teased

'Well you stood me up the last three weeks, and today you're twenty minutes late.'

'You make it sound like a date,' he said smirking. He was so smug standing there trying to make her feel embarrassed. Is this what he got off on making gawky girls feel uncomfortable? Leading them on with his smiles and corny winks, making them think they stood a chance but behind their backs calling them fat, ugly or his favourite for her 'the banshee'. Then later laughing at their gullibility and stupidity with his friends.

'Stop changing the subject. I can't believe you haven't admitted you're in the wrong or at least said sorry. You're so immature' she searched around for the right words, but all she found was: 'You're such an idiot!'

'Now who's being immature?' he accused.

'Oh my god you're soo annoying!'

'Come on lets not make this any more painful than it has to be.' He said ignoring her last comment. 'You're wasting time, let's get to work.' She went to speak but nothing came out. He was taking the moral high ground; he was turning this in his favour. Fuck Fuck Fuck.

He opened the book and they began. But Sirius got thoroughly bored after the first five minutes and had the gall to point out what he could be doing instead of being there with her:

'I could be playing Quiditch with Prongs…' he mused.

'Ravenclaw have the pitch tonight,' she pointed out as a blue blur shot past the open window.

He pretended not to hear her and carried on with his train of thought, '…and Angela Carter wanted to meet me for…'

'I don't want to know'

'She's wild!'

'You're thirteen and a moron; I don't want to hear about it!'

'Actually I'm fourteen and has anyone ever told you that you're blunt to the point of being rude'.

'No one has ever seen the need to be so purposefully irritating in my presence before' she countered.

'You know I'm doing it on purpose to wind you up?'

'Yes, that makes it worse.'

'I could be huddled in a broom cub…'

'Shut up!' she snapped.

''You're no fun.'

'This isn't meant to be fun.'

'That's the wrong attitude,' he said condescendingly shaking his finger at her.

'How am I meant to concentrate on this when you won't shut up?'

'But it's easy.' He complained.

_Oh my god,_ she threw her hands up in despair 'Sirius why on earth would I be having tutorials with a knob like you if I found this easy?'

He looked genuinely perplexed and sauntered back over to the window to light up again.

'You know you are supposed to be teaching me, you can't just stand there chain smoking for the next hour and a half'' she tried to get the reality of the situation through to him.

'Just watch me!' He said, puffing away on the Marlboro in an exaggerated fashion.

Jesus, this was pointless. She was wasting her time. Holly started to pack her books into her shoulder bag.

'Wait, where are you going?'

'To actually get some work done.' She said frustrated.

'But we haven't finished.'

'We haven't even begun,' she said exasperated.

'I'm sorry' he mumbled.

'What?'

'I'm sorry' he mumbled a little louder.

'I didn't quite catch that?' she said mischievously

'You can fuck right off; I'm not saying it again.'

'Okay, I'll stay, I need the help and you need the extra credit,' she said dropping back into her chair.

He smiled like a small boy, Holly looked a little dubious.

* * *

'Could you pass the butter?'

'Salted?' questioned Lily.

'Of course' replied Holly.

It was dinner time and the grand hall was filled from wall to wall with rowdy students. She was sitting with the girls in her dorm. It surprised Holly how fast she had adapted to a life populated by other people. She found most of them trivial but liveable. It was odd when she took a second to listen to herself discussing the most banal of things with the most self centred of girls.

She knew they still found her a little odd. Layla and Jessica were the kind of girls who just couldn't look past difference; they were idiots and very bitchy. She had heard them whisper and laugh at her, commenting on her hair and stifling giggles when they saw her undress. There were still some bad scars, she had caught Jessica miming self harm vignettes across the room to Layla; kids were cruel. It kind of pissed her off because there was no truth in it, even if she had wanted to there wasn't much hope as Gerald hid the knives. Svetlana was just a bit dopey but very sweet and ethereal, genuinely oblivious to most things surrounding her. Mostly she just sat there with her large lips slightly parted and her eyes else where. Moira was a northern girl who spoke plainly and Holly liked that.

Then there was Lily, what was there to say about Lily? She was the first person who had spoken to her, accepted her and she had been nothing but patient and kind. She was a bit prissy, unadventurous, childish and at times down right ridiculous. Holly felt bad for having those thoughts. She felt like she had outgrown Lily. Outgrown the Lily who still played with her dolls when she went home. The Lily who had pictures of Donny Osmond all over her bedroom walls. The sweet, innocent, but ignorant Lily. Lily's presence often made her feel unclean; it was Lily's whiteness, her purity, the way she would hiccup whenever Holly cursed; it made her envious and angry. She wasn't very tolerate with Lily anymore and often her sharp tongue could lead to Lily's tears But she needed a friend, and Lily was trying to be the best friend she could be but Holly wasn't sure if it was enough.

'You know Holly you're real hair colours so pretty,' cooed Jessica.

'We should give you a make over!' exclaimed Layla, at this Svetlana clapped her hands.

'No really I'm fine,' answered Holly, not to bothered if it sounded ungrateful. Layla and Jessica looked at her as if she was a troll, _turn down a makeover!_

'Do you really like it like that?' asked Jessica, making her disgust clear.

'No' replied Holly as if it were obvious.

'Then why did you dye it in the first place? You look like a dark wizard!' They both laughed.

At this point Lily put her hand on Holly's knee. She knew that this was Lily's little way of reassuring her but the whole gesture was just so futile and pathetic it only served to incenseHolly more. It reeked of a bad soap opera, how did Lily's hand on her knee help? It was one of those gestures people feel they should do; the only person it made feel any better was Lily. Her one act of defiance, if she really wanted to help she could vocally defend me against these bitches thought Holly. But she knew she was being unfair, over analysing, purposefully picking holes in Lily's actions. She hated herself for thinking it.

'I dunno, I just did' Holly said not rising to the bait. This was normal dinner time fare if you sat with those two.

Jessica obviously didn't like Holly's tone, 'Well if you ask me it looks stupid.'

'Well she didn't ask you' said Moira. Her tone wasn't aggressive just bored, the sort of tone that made you feel silly and puerile. Holly stifled a laugh.

Jessica looked acutely insulted and turned her back on them and began to mutter her indignation very loudly, words such as 'bitch', 'nosey' 'Goth' and 'banshee' could be heard.

She inwardly cursed Sirius, for it was he who had created that infernal name. He thought it was funny. He called her 'banshee' straight to her face in their tutorials, now that he actually turned up. But that was the thing about lads like Sirius they didn't understand how it felt to be the one on the end of those insult when you didn't have anyone to stick up for you. The Slytherins liked to chant 'gryffindor banshee' repeatedly when they saw her. Some days it affected her worse than others. Nearly all the kids at Hogwarts got stick one way or the other she thought; this was high school after all she would have been mad to have expected anything different. Dumbledore had said it was adversity that made you stronger, but he had also reiterated that if it ever got out of hand she was to report it straight away. Dumbledore was a wise man, he realised that being a tattletale only made the problem worse. This was the teenage jungle; you had to ride it out if you wanted respect, and so she did.

* * *

'You've been practising!' he exclaimed.

'Well some people do have a work ethic' she scolded Sirius.

'Look here you go again, I'm praising you and all I get in return is snide insults,' he mocked.

'Oh someone's sensitive,' she retaliated back.

They were turning mice into teapots, one of the things that was certain to be on her exams.

'Still a little furry though' he commented.

'Perfectionist' she accused.

* * *

'So I guess this is Happy Christmas' Sirius said. It was their last tutorial before the Christmas holidays and they were parting ways at the bottom of the stairwell in Gryffindor common room.

'Yeh, have a good one.' She said in response.

'I'll try,' he said looking unhappy and hesitant. Holly didn't know how to reply so she just stood their looking dumb. She expected him to snap out of it, crack a smile, call her a name and carry on his way but he wasn't even pretending to make a move to leave. Suddenly he started, but he thought better of it. He tried again and blurted out 'I hate being home.' Holly again just stood there unsure if he was going to carry on; she wasn't one to force information out of people. He could make up his own mind about that. Then he began again, quickly, falling over his words. It wasn't like Sirius at all. 'My parents are tools. I wish I could stay here… over Christmas I mean. They're ashamed of me…' He stopped, then after a couple of seconds of awkward silence he asked her 'How about you? Cleverly shifting the spotlight from himself.

'I'm staying here.'

'Oh.'

'My parents are dead.' She said simply. There was no point in being dramatic.

'Oh I'm sorry. You must think I'm a right twat sitting here cursing my own parents.'

'No,' she said 'I don't know your family.'

'Trust me you don't want to.' He said trying to smile. She felt very sorry for him at that moment; she hadn't felt like that in a long time.

'My mother wasn't that great either,' admitted Holly 'but I guess she was just a human being after all. We always seem to expect parents to be amazing, but their just people at the end of the day, just people with kids. When you have children you don't have to pass a test to see if you're good enough to be one. They are just as shit as the rest of us.' She stopped abruptly shocked she had said so much, and to Sirius Black who would undoubtedly tease her about it later. But he wasn't laughing he looked serious. The bizarre nature of the situation threw her off. She was perfectly comfortable having a rally of insults with him, but treating him as a human being was just too weird.

'I guess you're right' he said, 'But you see my mum's not just a bad parent, she's a bad person. My family are into dark magic. It's kinda scary all the crazy shit they're into.'

She didn't really know what to say to that, it wasn't the kind of comment that required a response. It was odd she wouldn't even count Sirius as a friend more of an acquaintance really. But here they were having this conversation. She suddenly felt uncomfortable and had a desperate need to say something, anything to break the tension.

'Erm that's weird' was all she could think of to say, it sounded forced and rude.

'This whole conversation is a bit weird isn't it?'

'Yeh, lets just stop,' she agreed with him.

'Yeh, don't let me do that again!' he joked.

'You're Sirius Black, and you're an arrogant shit' Holly stated, trying to hold onto some sort of normalcy.

'Thank you' he said courteously 'you're Holly King and your resident goth-slash-freak-slash-loser.'

'Exactly' she said pleased with this new lighter atmosphere, she hardly thought about parents in general if she could help it. 'Charming as always Sirius,' she congratulated him.

'Well good bye!' He thought about hugging her. He would never have done so in the past but after the uncomfortable conversation he felt close to her. But instead they shook hands it was ridiculously formal and they both laughed.

'See you Sirius.'

'Later Banshee!'

'I fucking hate you Sirius Black!' she said loudly while she walked up the stairs to her dorm, not even bothering to turn around to look at him.

'Love you too!' he called at her retreating back.

How many girls in Hogwarts would love to hear those three little words she thought happily to herself.

* * *

_Author's Note: So what do you think? Please review, it makes me feel like writing a bit more! xxx_


	8. Chapter 8

_Author's Note: Another Update! Just a note of caution, this entry contains/ alludes to drug abuse. If you don't like it don't read it. Oh and as always the essential disclaimer... JK owns everything._

* * *

**The Holly and the Ivy**

_Dear __Little Lost Holly,_

_Do you miss your mother? I've been thinking about her recently. I've been thinking about her body? Naked, emaciated and decayed… cold to the bones. Those Yorkshire Moors, what a place to bury her! Remember we were scared of the Moors, the dumping grounds of child killers. It seems appropriate place as any; he as good as killed her, keeping her from the doctors, plying her with strong spirits and morphine to stop her screams. Remember the syringes; you should have been playing with dolls not needles. You should have been making rice crispy cakes with mother, not helping the dope head with her next fix. No that isn't fair, she was sick. She was a sick bitch. Didn't you ever just want to get the needle and rather than insert it gently into her fat vein get the end and shove it through her black heart? You didn't? I did. But I wanted to do more, sometime when the spoon was hot the dark liquid molten didn't you just want to take it to her flesh. Burn holes in it, like she did to you with the end of her cigarette. Flick. Flick. She always felt bad though didn't she, always felt remorse, always gave you a hug, then a drag and if you were lucky some brandy mixed in with the milk. Do you miss your mother? Like hell, every day. _

_X_

* * *

At first the quietness of the castle was a relief, but the novelty of the empty corridors soon wore off. She had grown accustomed to the crowded halls and noisy common rooms. She hadn't realised that she had almost grown fond of people and company. Luckily Svetlana was staying at Hogwarts for the holidays; her mother had recently remarried and was touring Europe with her muggle toy boy, Jerome. Svetlana as always was unreadable, but seemed to be taking the whole thing in her stride;

'My mother's always been a bit like that' she said 'but my half sister is two years above us at Hogwarts so we will keep each other company, you're more than welcome to hang out with us.' Holly accepted the invitation gladly, hoping they're closeness wouldn't make her too jealous.

* * *

Lily had sent her an owl early in the holiday, asking Holly to go to Diagon Alley with her a couple of days before Christmas so they could do any remaining shopping. Holly didn't mention that she didn't have anyone to buy for she just thought it would be nice to get out, it really was very sweet of Lily to offer. Dumbledore gladly agreed to the excursion and arranged a portkey for her.

Holly arrived in The Leaky Cauldron by the pool table at exactly 12.30. Lilly was sitting at a nearby table she quickly jumped up, ran over to Holly and gave her a tight squeeze.

'Let's go shopping!' she squealed. It was really lovely to see her.

As much as they were opposites, Holly couldn't help but be drawn in by Lily's excitement, she smiled widely, 'It's lovely to see you, I've missed you.'

Lily positively beamed; she had felt the two become distant recently.

They had been shopping for at least an hour and bought a few things but mostly they had wandered the pretty street that were done up to look like a gingerbread town. It was breathtaking and really warmed her heart. Holly had never associated Christmas with anything but alcohol and Jesus and she was surprised that fake snow and gaudy tinsel could make her so happy.

'I have an idea!' said Lily, Holly was surprised it was unlike Lily to be spontaneous.

'What?'

'Let's get your hair done!'

'Oh I don't know Lils' said Holly reluctantly.

'Oh don't be silly, you've been saying for ages you need to get to a hairdresser, no time like the present!'

Holly shuffled her feet uncomfortably and bit her lip.

'Holly you've done so well look at all the weight you've gained. You're a pretty girl but I can't see you under all that,' Lily tried to persuade her.

'I don't really want people to see' she admitted.

'You're being ridiculous!' cried Lily, Holly was finding some new found respect for her friend it wasn't like Lily to force her into anything. Perhaps she was rubbing off on her she thought pleased with herself. Lily continued, 'I have listened to you say so many times that you're going to cut it all off'

'Hold on, I never said that,' Holly protested.

'You'd look great with a pixie cut!'

'Whoa girl, one step at a time' laughed Holly.

'It's now or never' said Lily.

'Oh go on, lead the way!' said Holly finally caught up in the excitement.

Perhaps Lily was correct, even though she hated to admit it. She had been really pleased with her magical nose job. It had healed perfectly, the scars where slowly vanishing and she felt herself healing up the wounds and purging herself of every last bit of Gerald Fedra. But Dumbledore's words still echoed in her head, was she just papering over the cracks? The fissures within her young body were deep and unseen; living beneath her skin was a labyrinth of dark secrets. Also even though her hair was the main reason she was so relentlessly teased, it was somehow comforting. It was a wall; it stopped people getting to close. She was labelled weird; people didn't look past the heavy bangs and see the desolate icy eyes underneath. If they looked closer would they read the story etched into her skin?

'So, what would you like me to do? asked Madame Silvie, looking at Holly's tresses with disgust.

'Urm well I don't mind as long as the black goes.' Replied Holly simply.

'Thank goodness!' Cried Madame Silvie, 'Well we will keep it long I think, if I cut it all off your face may look a little severe. I can strip it back to its natural colour, and I think, yes… you would suit it a bit wavy a bit big. Make up for the fact your soo skinny!' Holy wasn't sure if she liked Madame Silvie.

Holly sat there for what seemed like hours, true her hair was long, but weren't these people magic?

'Oh my dear you look so different, the ugly duckling has turned into a swan' and with that Madame Silvie held up the mirror.

Holly gasped it was such a transformation. Her hair was restored to white blond and it fell thick and lustrous in soft waves to the small of her back. Her skin no longer looked corpse like against the black tar that fell into her eyes. It was swept off her face and complimented her chiselled bone structure and large features. Her eyes shone, no long veiled by her curtain of black hair. No longer did she look like some angst-ridden teenage Goth, she looked how she wanted to feel inside; happy and confident. Perhaps a bit too 80's prom queen at the moment, Madame Silvie was a little too attached to her strong hold hairspray. She wouldn't flatten it down a bit latter.

'I love it!' she gasped, behind her Lily was tearing up.

After comforting Lily, who insisted she was crying because she was so happy, Holly paid quickly and left the shop even quicker. Madame Silvie was trying to sell them ridiculously expensive hair products.

'Two galleons, for some hair serum, she's metal!' exclaimed Holly when they were safely out of ear shot in the next street.

'Let's go to The Leaky Cauldron for a pint before we go home?' suggested Lily.

'I can get that for you Lily,' they heard a voice from behind, it was the ever persistent James Potter.

'Ignore him, c'mon Holly' said Lily.

Holly gave him a weak smile but he hardly saw his eyes were staring after her friends red tresses.

'Bit harsh Lils, I mean it's the season to be jolly and all that jazz.'

'Hmpff' replied Lily. They found a table in a corner of the pub and Lily went to the bar.

At this point James Potter and Remus Lupin walked in, on seeing Remus Holly smiled broadly, 'Remus!' she shouted and waved. He looked at her strangely as if trying to place her and then he did a double take.

'Holly?' he asked disbelievingly taking a step towards her.

'Yeh!' she said confused then it dawned on her; the hair. 'Don't look so shocked' she said casually 'I just got it put back to my natural colour.' What a hypocrite she thought, she had been close to tears back in Madame Silvies and now she was acting like it wasn't a big deal.

'Wow' said Remus literally speechless 'You look so different, you look great.'

She didn't quite no what to say, she hadn't really ever received compliments on her looks, except 'What a pretty girl' when she was about five. It felt weird especially coming from Remus, whose opinion she very much cared about.

'Hey James, you know Holly right?' he said to his friend.

'Erm I don't think so' he said hardly looking at her, he hadn't been listening; instead he was looking nervously at Lily's back.

'Nice to meet you' he said shaking her hand carelessly, then suddenly it dawned on him too, 'Holly King!' he said flabbergasted 'Jesus, you look….normal' he finished badly.

'Thanks' she said unsure if that was good or bad.

'Ignore him' said Remus lightly 'his head isn't in the right place when a certain someone's around.'

'Hey' said Remus 'is it alright if we join you for a drink… but I better let you know Sirius will be here soon?' He checked first knowing their relationship could be volatile.

'No that's fine; it would be nice to catch up.' She answered.

'Right I'll be back in a minute, Butterbeer James?' James nodded silently, he was an odd boy she thought. Remus turned to go, and then he stopped. He touched her lightly on the arm, 'Seriously Holly, you look amazing' and with that he was gone, she knew she was blushing.

Lily was mad when she returned to find James sat at their table,

'Be nice' warned Holy testily, he really didn't seem that bad, bit gormless but that was all.

'Fine' said Lily through gritted teeth 'James how have your holidays been?'

He was so surprised to be spoken to cordially by her that he nearly fell of his chair.

Remus joined them shortly, which eased the tension a bit, he was quite good friends with both Lily and Holly, as he too had a soft spot for the library.

Very soon Sirius joined them, he wrapped his arms around his two friends shoulders, shaking them a bit 'Missed me?' he shouted, it wasn't a question.

'Hi Evans!' he boomed followed by 'who's your friend?' Holly had put her head down the moment he entered, she felt oddly exposed and she definitely didn't like it, not in front of Sirius anyway. At this point she looked up.

'FUCK ME!' he shouted loudly, an old lady or it may have been a hag sitting at the next table tutted disapprovingly.

He then collected himself, 'I mean you look okay.'

Very soon the conversations started to flow easily. Lily seemed to be enjoying herself, which was nice to see. And once James relaxed a bit Holly could tell he was actually far from gormless. James and Sirius played against each other like only the best of friends could. Their relationship was really rather lovely, which was the only way Holly could think to put it. Holly remained oddly silent, she felt different, she felt they were treating her differently, especially Sirius. If he wasn't taking the piss out of her she really didn't have much to say to him.

When it reached five, Holly got up to go, 'better catch my portkey' she explained. All the boys waved and wished her a Happy Christmas. Lily got up quickly and gave her a tight hug and then explained she better head off, she didn't fancy being left alone with the naughtiest boys in Hogwarts. James offered to walk her home, but she refused.

'Happy Christmas!' Holly waved with one hand and placed her other on a dingy egg cup that pulled her by the navel back to Hogwarts.

* * *

Christmas day was better than she expected. Lily sent her a book on Charms, but she also sent her a Ramones LP which was pretty unexpected and thoughtful. Svetlana had painted her a picture of a unicorn. It was really well done and it moved about and everything. Svetlana didn't believe in buying presents. Holly had bought her in return a string necklace covered in bright beads and a smiley badge, which was as close to handmade as she could achieve. Dumbledore gave her more books and Hagrid gave her a big box of Honeyduke's chocolate.

She spent most of the day with Svetlana and her sister Alexandra, they frolicked in the snow and joked that she was their third sister as she now had her white blond hair back. Their mother was part Veela and it was clearly visible in her two daughters. Holly had always heard Veela's had awful tempers but these two were extremely laid back. They were both a bit odd, almost otherworldly and it was clear they were still trying to live the hippie lifestyle of the 60's. Holly thought it was a bit absurd; she herself had grown tired of the hypocrisy of the flower child generation. With all the bad stuff going on in both of her worlds, she couldn't understand how sitting around thinking about peace was going to do anything. However she envied their optimism.

After dinner they headed down to Holly's favourite spot and sat down on a red tartan blanket to protect them from the snow. Alexandra took out a spliff and began to smoke it, Svetlana asked for a drag, but her sister refused saying she was too young. Svetlana as per usual was unfazed, she simply shrugged and lay back to watch the stars. Holly was quite content, flagged on either side by two girls who had gone out of their way to treat her like family all day, in her favourite spot under a blanket of stars and the heady smell of pot and burning paper swimming around her head.

* * *

_Dear Littl__e Lost Holly_

_Remember that Christmas? Remember? When you were eight. Mum was in high spirits spinning you round singing the Holly and the Ivy. She was drunk on cheap red wine and half a bottle of bourbon. Her breath was rancid and stale, but then you were used to that. She was swinging you round and round, the Holly and the Ivy, the Holly and the Ivy, the Holly and the Fucking Ivy. He gave her a firm backhand remember, it came out of nowhere. She fell, she hit her head and you kept on singing. Singing and crying. Crying and singing. Remember the turkey? She even did stuffing that year and roasties. The gravy was runny and bland; she was never a good cook. I remember that turkey, dry and practically incinerated. It was a good Christmas, wasn't it. X_

_Author's Note: The bits in italics are the diary entries that Holly was advised to write by Dumbledore. Hope you liked them! Please Review!_

* * *


	9. Chapter 9

_Author's Note: Nearly everything belongs to JKR. If bits sound a bit reminiscent of Twin Peaks, it's because they are, those words belong to David Lynch. Extra points if you spot them! No song lyrics are mine- Thank you Black Sabbath and James Taylor._

_I'm unsure about this chapter, it's long and the structure is a bit weird. Bit with Sirius might seem a bit pointless at the moment but hopefully that will make sense later. Enjoy!_

**

* * *

**

She's full of Secrets

* * *

Been walking my mind to an easy time my back turned towards the sun  
Lord knows when the cold wind blows it'll turn your head around  
Well, there's hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things to come  
Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground

– Fire and Rain – James Taylor

* * *

Sirius stared out of his bedroom window watching the muggle cars grumble past. He heard a door slam downstairs and his mother shouting. His room was large; there was a four poster bed, dressed regally with plush velvet sheets. The furniture was antique; dark wood carved into grotesque shapes, snakes, toads, dark symbols and the worst, the Black family crest. Alongside these ancient heirlooms there were new things, the walls were splattered with posters of half naked women, the latest bands and the notorious image of the leather clad James Dean leaning against the handlebars of a 1949 CZ. There was a record player and stacks of LP's, a beaten up guitar, and various parts of motorcycles.

'Sirius!' he heard his mother shout. He ignored her. It was true to say that Sirius didn't make the situation with his parents any easier. He turned his music up higher, belting Black Sabbath out hurting his own eardrums:

Make a joke and I will sigh  
And you will laugh and I will cry  
Happiness I cannot feel  
And love to me is so unreal

And so as you hear these words  
Telling you now of my state  
I tell you to enjoy life  
I wish I could but it's too late

'Sirius Black, turn that infernal noise down!' That woman certainly had a pair of lungs.

He flicked his wand, and it blared out louder. If they weren't going to let him out of the house, he would just have to prove to them how annoying it was to have him in the house. He wouldn't have been quite so cocky if his father was home, but it was just his mother, and kreacher. She was all talk, he could handle her.

He could hear her storming up the stairs her hand found the door knob, she twisted it a couple of times and then he heard her withdraw her wand and mutter 'alohamora'. Sometimes magic was so bothersome he thought.

He was lying on his bed, his arms stretched out behind his head, his ankles crossed, 'Hello Mother, did I hear you calling?' he said politely.

She pointed her wand at the record player; it stopped immediately and started to smoke- bitch.

'What did you do that for!' he complained.

'I wont have you listening to that filth,' her eyes studied the walls, she didn't go into his room very often, she flicked her wand again but the posters didn't budge. His permanent sticking charm seemed to be holding up a treat. Her lip twitched, 'I want these women removed Sirius, by lunch time'

'Or?' he said raising his body slowly off his bed, ready for the argument.

'Or I'll tell your father.'

'Why would he be bothered,' he said carelessly, taking slow steps towards her. He was only fourteen but he towered over her. He let the pregnant pause fill the room and then played his trump card, 'we all know how my father likes young women.'

She stared at him for a second and then she slapped him. There wasn't much force to it, but she caught his ear slightly and it stung. The red mark of a slap, flooding his face with warmth.

'What has happened to you?' she spat.

'This family happened to me,' the venom in his voice heavy.

'You ungrateful little worm, you can forget about dinner!'

'With pleasure,' he said with mock courtesy.

'I'm telling your father when he comes home tonight,' she threatened. He saw her stand up taller, thinking she had triumphed. The threat of the father.

'_If _he comes home tonight.' The tables had turned he had won. She looked at him hurt, for a second he felt sorry for her. But only for a second.

He packed a small bag, with a couple of essential things; he wasn't waiting around for his father to return. He might as well put the punishment off for a few days. He threw his bag over his shoulder, went into his brother's bedroom out the window and down the fire escape. Regulus kept his head down; it was an unsaid agreement if he didn't see Sirius he wouldn't have to tell on him.

* * *

Dumbledore was waiting for her at his desk, sitting in the same position as always; elbows rested lightly on the polished mahogany and long fingers pressed together to form a steeple. He always looked as if he had been sitting there for hours at a time; Dumbledore had a stillness about him, a steadiness.

'Holly, you look radiant!' he exclaimed.

'Thank you Professor, Happy New Year!'

'Yes, Happy 1976, to a new year for all of us.'

They talked about small light things, such as lessons, the weather, yesterday's headlines. They both knew where the conversation was heading, but it was better to dance around the subject for the moment. It was common courtesy.

'The trail is fast approaching, are you still sure you want to testify?' he asked her.

'Yes, certainly' she said determined. 'But Professor I've been wondering what will actually happen after. I mean if he's to be convicted of a crime in a wizard court, what penitentiary will he go to?'

'If Gerald Fedra is convicted by the Wizagamont, his sentence will be decided by them and then converted to the relevant punishment in the muggle legal state. His mind will be altered not erased. To him the day in court will become mugglefied, this is to stop him raising alarm when he is incarcerated in a muggle prison. We can easily infiltrate the files and databases of the police system, a made up trail will be created and added to the files. Then the minds of certain muggles, lawyers, a jury, a judge etc will have false memories impregnated into their minds. It's very complex magic, but there is a small department in the ministry who are more than able to deal with such things. If a case is extremely serious, such as a high risk escaped convict we will approach the muggle prime minister with our concerns. However their response to us has not always been favourable and as such intervention of that nature is avoided in most circumstances.'

'Oh,' said Holly, 'You said if, do you think I stand a chance?'

'If you testify than I have no doubt about it.'

They spent the rest of the evening going through Holly's testimony. She found the whole thing violating and draining.

* * *

_Dear Little Lost Holly,_

_Remember what she used to wear, long flowered skirts with white tank tops and denim waistcoats with tassels. She had worn ribbons in her hair, large earrings and chunky necklaces made of hemp and wooden beads. She had that tattoo on her ankle, the one she got in the cult. I know it's hard to remember…a Celtic cross, the snakes…remember? It wasn't there for long, can you still hear her frantic sobs and manic laughs, when he took the red hot poker to her pink flesh. There were so many lies, a life of lies. Remember how she used to say that, how frightened she was of the woods, the woods where the owls were not what they seemed. There's darkness she would say darkness in the old woods, strange things a man without a face in the wood. She's full of secrets. **She's full of secrets**. Odd words, repeated over and over again in the dark._

_X_

_She was beautiful, broken and bruised but beautiful. More of a sister than a mother, that day when she was about to leave him, before she got ill, you were both packed. She was slumped against the coffee table smoking, inhaling deeply calming her nerves. 'Ain't it funny pretty-baby? Ain't it funny that every time I try to help someone, I end up -pardon the pun- getting fucked?' I forgot she called you that, pretty-baby. Do you remember her name? Her real name? I think I forgot it a long time ago… She had so many; before it all, before she was wasted, before us, before him. She was christened Desdemona Dolores King, but she hated her first name and called herself Dolores. Then the cult, it was sister something…Sister Sarah or maybe it was Mary. Then she was Dolores again, like Lolita she would laugh, but please call me Dolly. At first Gerald called her Lola, his Lo-lo-lo-lo Lola …I can't believe she used to find that funny. Later when she was sick she became old Dolores, never to be my Doll again._

_X_

_It was July 14th. The sun shone brighter than you thought you'd ever seen it. He bought you a Barbie Doll. It was a quick ceremony. She wore a white mini dress with long bell sleeves. She couldn't afford a veil. They sent you to bed early in a cot in the adjoining room. It was a seedy hotel in Torquay. The wallpaper was orange and peeling, the bathroom tap leaked. Drip, drip, drip, if you concentrated hard enough on the dripping you couldn't hear anything else. Do you remember your fists banging on the door, she was crying. Small fists pummelling wood, she never opens it. Sometimes you dream she does, you want her to open the door but you don't want to see. He came back the next morning, smelling like iron. No one spoke on the drive home. James Taylor was playing on the radio._

_X_

* * *

Holly was inexpressibly happy when her classmates returned on January 5th. The amount of people who didn't recognise her was staggering. The new attention she received was irritating but also fascinating. Looks gave her power, people wanted to know her, talk to her, be near her. People were fickle and pathetic. She enjoyed the attention but lost her faith in humanity. People were crap, when she'd really needed friends where were these kids? She hoped she never forgot people like Remus and Lily, her real friends.

* * *

The morning of the trail arrived; it was going to be a long day. Lily knew where she was going; no one else had bothered to ask. If they noticed her absence Lily would say she was ill, simplicity itself. She met Dumbledore in his study. He smiled widely, and placed both his hands on her shoulders, 'Ready?'

'Ready as I'll ever be.'

'Remember Holly you don't have to do this, you don't have to be in the same room as him. It's not too late to change your mind.' He reassured her.

She looked at Dumbledore straight in the eye, 'And what would you do Professor?'

He smiled, looking pleasantly surprised, 'I'd fight, face to face.'

'I knew you'd say that.'

'But it's not about me' he pointed out to her.

'You know I can hardly remember what he looks like, isn't that funny?' she didn't wait for an answer, 'Everyday his image gets more and more unclear, I can smell him, remember the feel of him, the texture of his jeans, but his face is slipping away from me, like water in my cupped hands. I can't hold onto it. Today I feel as though I'm going to see a stranger. Isn't that odd? I feel as if I'm merely playing a part, this isn't my life at all but someone else's.'

Dumbledore looked at her, he studied her intently, 'Holly trauma is a strange thing, and no one person reacts in the same way as anybody else. We all deal with our demons differently. I think today you should mentally prepare yourself, for I assure your step father will be there, and his presence might open up a floodgate of forgotten memories. Today isn't going to be easy.'

* * *

The courtroom was full. The Wizagamont was assembled. The stone circular room was filled from floor to ceiling with robed wizards. A silence fell upon the dungeon like space, the doors opened and in walked four men. At first she thought it wasn't him, she nearly reached out for Dumbledore to tell him they'd got the wrong man and then thought better of it. She examined him closely, yes it was Gerald but what was different what was missing? Or was there too much of something?

He was struggling frantically, two men held onto his flailing limbs. He was holding onto a chalkboard and a piece of white chalk like a school boy from yester year. He dropped them stepping on the chalk and snapping it in two. The guards ignored it and proceeded to force him down into the chair. His legs were secured with iron ankle clamps. A leather strap was pulled tightly across his waist to restrain his movements but his hands were left to fall free. The guard picked up the chalk board and pencil but did not return it to Gerald. The two men took up positions to either side of the accused. The third man approached the heads of the Wizagamont and handed them a piece of paper.

Eventually after conferring with each other one of the prominent members rose, he was a young man perhaps no older than thirty, he cleared his throat, 'Wizards and Witches of the Wizagamont . It has just been brought to our attention that the defendant, Gerald Fedra will be unable to speak for himself, last night it what can only be described as a moment of madness he bit off his own tongue.'

Holly felt her blood run cold; there was a murmur of excitement mixed with repulsion from the people around her.

'We will attempt to communicate by chalk board at present,' the man finished and the questions began.

After around twenty futile minutes it became clear Gerald wasn't going to communicate, he was rocking manically his eyes devilishly searching the room, presumably looking for Holly.

Sometimes he wrote nothing, or he drew childish pictures, happy faces, leafless trees, and finally an ejaculating penis. No one laughed, it wasn't funny. This was the last straw for the young man who refused to waste any more of his time being ridiculed.

The guards went to undo his restraints, at which point Gerald started to flail widely like a hooked fish, beating his body relentlessly against the metal chair. Holly turned away hiding her face in Dumbledore's cloak. This was not the man she remembered. Gerald was a man of flesh and bone. But this man did not seem of this world, he look infested with something, his body a mere house for the iniquity eating him from the inside. A croaking noise sliced through the commotion of the courtroom, it was a deep guttural sound, toad like and inhuman. She turned back slowly, Gerald was still sitting but his mouth was wide, was he screaming? The black stump sat dead between his teeth, cauterised and swollen. He began to laugh, his body shook, his mouth held wide. It was unlike any sound she had heard before, like something from another place, a dead place. He scrambled with the chalk board writing fast and frantically, he held the board up, his face triumphant his eyes ablaze. It read:

'The sins of the father are visited upon the children. Those who dine in sin with bathe in blood.'

'Get him out of here!' ordered the young man.

The guards dragged him to his feet, pulling him on his heels to the door. Just before he left his eyes met hers for a second. She wasn't sure what passed between them, his teeth bared into a grin and his resistant stopped. The guards holding him staggered as he became dead weight in their arms. Dumbledore's hand found her shoulder, 'Let him go Holly' he warned.

She stared into those bottomless eyes for the last time, then she tore them away, she felt as if her soul had been set alight. Pure hatred, loathing and fear coursed through her body. He was gone. She leant on Dumbledore her heart pounding, her breathing shallow.

Gerald Fedra was decided criminally and mentally insane, and was transferred to a metal asylum just outside of Manchester. He died three years later, when the asylum burnt to the ground, all they found was ash and bone.

Holly past out once she returned to Dumbledore's study and spent the night and the following day in the Hospital Wing. Madame Pomfrey seemed happy to have her back and fussed over her like a mother hen.

* * *

Holly was sitting on the sofa, legs tucked under her bottom, jumper sleeves pulled down over her hands.

'It's so cold I don't think I can even hold my pen' complained Lily, her hands shaking feverishly.

In walked the four Marauders, they looked frozen to the bone. James hair literally had frosted over. They waddled over to the fire, Holly watched them with amusement; it was a comical sight.

'Cold?' questioned Holly.

'Shut up Kingy' snapped Sirius.

'I've warned you Black, I don't like it when you call me that!'

'Deal with it, it's you're fault. Why did you change your hair, banshee had a good couple of years life left in it yet.' He came and sat next to her, 'Oi, budge up fatty our needs greater than yours.'

He had a point, Lily and Holly had successfully nabbed the warmest seats in the Gryffindor common room. Lily moved her books and Peter managed to squeeze on. James and Remus lounged on the floor in front of the fire their pink hands held towards the flame.

'So where have you been in this weather?' questioned Holly.

'None of your business' replied Black.

'Just a little project we're working on' James said patting his nose with one finger.

'Sounds prohibited if you ask me' said Lily, despite her amicable display in the Leaky Cauldron before Christmas, in appeared that Lily would not be seen being pleasant or tolerant towards boys like Sirius and James. She looked at them as though their very breath could contaminate her pristine reputation.

'Might be,' admitted James trying to sound cool in front of Lily not realising this was the exact thing she didn't want to hear.

'I guess its top secret' said Holly sarcastically.

'Exactly,' said Black, Holly tried to look as if she wasn't intrigued in the slightest.

They talked for the next hour, insulting teachers, discussing how great Gryffindor was, how rubbish Slytherin was, the best Bertie Botts Bean flavour, if you could eat only one thing for the rest of your life sort of questions. The things that seem important before you discover alcohol and the opposite sex. Looking back that evening seemed like the beginning, when Holly fell asleep that night, she smiled into the darkness; she closed her eyes and didn't dread what she might see. The dreams had been dormant for so long now, the trial was over, she no longer had to fear the night.

* * *

I'm running through woods, there deep and dark. The owls are all around, I can't see them but I know they're there watching, waiting. I find the tree, the one I've been looking for. I peel back the bark, it comes off in my hands, it's seeping and sodden it doesn't feel like bark at all. More like damp flesh in my hands. I dig deeper into the heart of the tree. My nails become encrusted with it. The hole in the tree is expanding; I claw at it with my bare hands which turn to talons before my eyes. I step back I can see it, the pupiless eye, sitting fat and snug in the bloated trunk. Veins bulge, blood pours forth, bathing my arms with flaming tears. He's watching.

Holly woke up, her skin damp. She thought she'd left those dreams behind, left them under the mattress in that crummy German bed-sit. Just when she thought she had finally found peace. Why did he come to find her now?

* * *

_Author's Note: __Please remember to review, it makes me feel like writing!_


	10. Chapter 10

_Author's Note: Hi, I keep on changing my narrative style, its fun! I'll just try and clear some stuff up before people get confused. And if you're not confused I'm sorry for dumbing down. This is three years later the summer of sixth year, so they are16/17. There are flashbacks and they can start from one person's point of view and move to someone else's. So even though it is Holly reminiscing about a conversation she once had with Sirius it made sense to me to then move straight to his reaction of the same situation. Though it isn't made clear what space or time he is in when he thought those things. Sometimes memories are clouded by hindsight, sometimes they are told in real time. Oh I'm not sure if it really works but I tried and it was fun._

* * *

**The Things we do**

'It happens sometimes. Friends come in and out of our lives like busboys in a restaurant.'

-The Writer- Stand by Me –

* * *

The Summer of 1979, Sixth Year.

* * *

I'm under the tree again, in those dark woods. Wearing a white dress, it is too small. It's drenched in cherry red blood. But I'm clean, my bare arms and legs stick out shining like the autumn twigs of a silver birch. My arms are tied with thick rope above my head and my legs are spread wide. Nothing is holding them, but I can't close them. In the distance there's a snake it flops towards me its belly banded and fat. It curls around my leg and sinks its teeth into my thigh. I should be scared but I'm not. Out of nowhere comes a huge owl that clutches the snake in its talons, ripping it to pieces. It is the man without a face, he's laughing at me. His jeering laughs peel through the naked trees like a funeral knell.

* * *

He sat there admiring the sleeping girl; she looked like a rag doll. One arm was flung lazily above her head and the other to her side, her hands soft with the fingers curled up lightly to meet the palm. He examined her hands, they were delicate, the fingers long and elegant. Pianist's hands he thought, yet as far as he knew her fingers had never graced the black and white keys. He lifted his hand and slowly stroked her wavy mane of loose curls. She flinched, he withdrew his hand. Perhaps her slumber wasn't as peaceful as it looked. If she had been awake he would never have been granted such a liberty, to touch her without permission. But she was sleeping soundly. His eyes moved down her body, taking in the shape of her. Her legs were exposed from the knee down; his mind toyed with the idea of lifting her skirt, pushing it a little further up so as to glimpse a creamy thigh. It was a silly thought; he would never compromise their friendship like that. She knew he was in love with her, she had known it for years. He knew she knew, for everyday she used it against him, torturing him with her friendship, her smiles and her kisses. Some days he thought he hated her for it, hated the way she flirted with him, confided in him, corrupted him and ultimately kept him. But he couldn't give her up. He was memorised by her unadulterated sleep, her angry beauty staring him in the face. She was full of secrets. A little mystery; the anomaly of his heart.

Her eyes fluttered open, for a second she wondered where she was, the dream had been so real. Her head rolled to the side and she saw the long legs of Remus Lupin and then she realised she must have fallen asleep. He was reading, the sun was in his eyes and he was squinting slightly. She let her eyes flick over his face. Did he realise how good looking he was? His penetrating blue eyes that held back nothing, his handsome Roman nose, and his perfect cupids bow lips. His hair fell into his eyes, sandy blond and naturally highlighted by the sun. A red scratch ran down his right cheek, he wore it well.

She raised herself up on her elbows, he realised she was awake. 'Well good afternoon sleepy' he said jovially.

'How long have I been sleeping?' she grumbled.

'Half an hour, maybe less,' he returned to his book.

She turned over and found her bag; she used her body to obscure his view. Removing the brown bottle from the secret pouch in her bag, she took a long swig. He knew what she was doing, even if he didn't know about the clandestine bottle, he could often smell the fire whisky on her breath. She felt him stiffen behind her; she felt his tongue flick against the roof of his mouth. She hated it when he judged her. A malicious smile twitched at the corners of her lips.

She walked over to where Remus was sitting; when she was standing over him she knelt forward putting her weight onto her toes. He looked up; they were centimetres from each other. She raised her hand and put her fingers to his cheek; the fingers he loved so much. She put her fingers to the slash on his cheek and traced the raised tracks with a painted nail. Those long fingers ran the length of his face, from his heavy cheekbone to the corner of his mouth. That corner, where the secret smile danced where the hidden kiss waited. She felt him stiffen. Her finger lingered there for a second then she cupped his face with both hands and he felt her lips brush lightly against his raw flesh. 'To heal with a kiss' she whispered seductively in his ear. He felt electricity run through his entire body, he wanted to grab her, throw her down, smother her, ravish her, hurt her. He hated the control she held over him.

She giggled and got up, 'I'm going to go finish this work in the library, its getting cold don't you think?' Au revoir peu de loup!' She ruffled her fingers through his hair then turned on her heel and sauntered off towards the main hall.

He sat there, the blood draining from his face as fast as it had rushed to it. She was a bitch.

Holly's cool face had fallen, she wasn't proud of herself, she felt ugly, she knew she was a bitch.

* * *

Holly wasn't going to the library at all; she was going back to her dorm. She desperately needed her diary, to touch the emancipation that lay within it's pages. She passed Lily Evans and smiled, her fake smile, her courtier's smile. Lily muttered a quick 'Hi' and continued her conversation with a girl, Holly thought was called Betty. She hated thinking about Lily and the things Lily knew about her. Lily remained the only student in the whole of Hogwarts who really knew her. That sort of confidence was a mistake she wouldn't make again. She had been an idiot when she first arrived at Hogwarts, an optimistic child. Lily remained a blight in her life, a constant living reminder of her weaknesses. Holly had plenty of friends now, she didn't need Lily. But then they weren't really friends but acquaintances, she was a lonely soul in a busy crowd. However some remnants of her old life remained, there were still her private friends, the three tutors, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Severus Snape.

She arrived at her dorm quickly. She got out her diary. It was thick and full, the pages tattered, some torn out, burnt, committed to the flames. Some revisited many times, smudged by greasy fingers. A story of memories, dreams, poetry and pictures. A confusion of lies, superstitions and truths. She opened to the next clean page and began to scribble down the dream. She found if she didn't do it instantly the dream faded rapidly from her memory, fading into blurred colours, sounds and acrid smells. She'd been writing in the diary for nearly four years now. As she flicked lovingly through the starchy pages, the heartbeats of yesterdays came flooding back.

'Come on let me have a look in that thing!' It was Sirius, she was sixteen it was the end of fifth year.

'No, it's private.'

'I bet it's full of your undying love for me in sonnet form,' he teased.

She didn't dignify that with an answer, but held the diary tighter in her arms, the discoloured book pressed close to her heart.

'Just a peek?'

'No.'

'Why not?'

'Trust me Sirius, if you read all this shit, I don't think you would like me any more.'

'Oh, you shouldn't be so hard on yourself' he said slowly, coming up behind her and snaking his muscular arms around her waist. His lips confidently tracing her neck line. She shivered; she hated the contact of his skin on hers. She felt his hand move down, a simple distraction, a ploy to grab the book from her hands.

She turned round quickly a faint smile playing across her lips, she concealed the book in one hand behind her back, her other hand was outstretched, displaying a raised finger; a warning, 'You underestimate me Sirius Black, you always have, always will.'

He looked into those ice blue eyes that looked fiercely back at him. He could understand most girls, well perhaps not understand them, but he could understand their feelings towards him. She was a mystery, the girl he could never quite get. He often thought he'd unravelled her, figured her out, then she would change again and he would be at a loss. That was the mystery of the diary, the key to who she was. Sirius Black didn't talk about his feelings, but in Holly he thought he had found that confident, someone who was hurting to, disappointed with the hand life had dealt them. But she had stopped letting him in. Did she ever feel the same? Why couldn't they talk the way they had in third year? But she was veiled, a china doll wrapped in cellophane. You could look you could think you were touching, think you were tasting, but you weren't. You were stroking glass, caressing stone.

'I'll read it one day,' he taunted, he knew it was a lie, he never could.

She opened it and began to read, 'Dear Diary, he's gorgeous, he's lovely, I love his big fat head…' she closed it, 'Looks like you were right!' She smiled, all seriousness forgotten. He looked at her again, those eyes were playful now and soft, she was beautiful.

'That's not very nice,' he said grabbing her a bit too roughly and kissing her deeply on the mouth. He felt her recoil and then try to pretend she hadn't, just like she always did. Why did he try to make her enjoy it, why did she play along?

* * *

Holly was a talented scholar and she had caught up with her school work by the end of her fourth year. The extra studying had become a routine and consequently she had become more than competent in all her subjects. She excelled in Potions and Defence against the Dark Arts. Once she reached the necessary level in Transfiguration and Charms she had stopped her lessons with Remus and Sirius. But the lessons with Severus had been a hard habit to break and consequently they met regularly under the façade of homework, projects and extra study. Severus had been a great teacher; they learnt t together encouraging each others fascination with dark magic. They were close friends, however if you had asked them they probably wouldn't have noticed how those hours in the dark dungeons had led to something more. They never let on in the hallways, it was a secret friendship, Holly doubted if even Lily knew.

It was the back at the beginning of their sixth year, Holly and Severus were sitting in a dusty dungeon, working on a 'potions project.'

'I'm bored Sev!'

'Want to do something a bit more fun?' he asked.

'Like what?'

'Hold on,' he said rushing to the store cupboard, 'It's a new spell I've been working on.'

'What's it called?'

'Sectumsempra.'

She shuddered with anticipation, 'It sounds nasty.'

'It is trust me, you're in for a treat.'

He returned from the store cupboard, holding a large fatty flobberworm, he placed it on the table, aimed his wand and shouted 'sectumsempra'.

Deep gashes formed in the worm's jelly like flesh. His cylindrical body all but fell to pieces. The worm's innards slopped onto the table, a kaleidoscope of pretty pinks and reds.

'Cool!' she gasped 'Teach me, I want to try it on something bigger!'

Holly shut the diary, she didn't want to remember what had happen next.

* * *

Remus often tried to pin point when Holly had changed. None of them had been bold enough to stand up to her apart from Lily and she had paid dearly. They had remained quiet, sacrificing her well being for the chance to remain close to her light. The things we do? Thought Remus, The things we do knowingly? Why didn't they stop her then?

The door had closed on that chapter of their life now, a time when new shoes, sunny Hogsmead weekends, and thick rice pudding could save you. The truth was she was starting to scare him. The Summer term was drawing to an end, what would the holiday do to her? That is when it had all started, the two long months alone in that orphanage. She had come back in fourth year drastically altered. Most people thought it was for the better, he had at first.

He tried to think back to that last term of third year, that perfect time. When they were on the brink of something but they weren't sure quite what. Times were changing, life was exciting, a ripe apple to be savoured. It was the end of year party in Gryffindor common room, the butterbeer was flowing; there was a cold buffet, paper streamers and balloons. She was wrapped in his arms, her head against his chest. He had never been that close to her before. She was so delicate, he always felt like one touch and she would break. Even after everything that had passed between them over the past three years, he knew he would never feel as close to Holly as he had been that balmy June night when they were fourteen. When all she did was hold his hand.

'I have to tell you something' she murmured, 'You deserve to know the truth.'

She'd led him away; they passed through the portrait hole and down a corridor, to a small window. The crescent moon lit up her face. That image would remain imprinted on his mind forever. Her eyes were bright, but there was no malice, no suspicion. He features were soft and rounder than they were now.

She had opened her mouth but the only three words he ever heard were 'The truth is…'

Then there was a scream, it came from the common room. They retraced their steps quickly, his hand in hers. When they entered the common room Moira was on her knees a crumpled letter in her hands.

'It's her brother' stuttered Lily.

'Voldemort,' Remus stated. They all knew Moira's brother was an Auror for the Ministry.

Lily nodded, her head bent low, tears welling up and overflowing.

After that the conversation had been put on hold, which the long summer turned into an infinite hiatus. He remembered the moment when her hand had struggled free from his, when she had gone to help Moira to her feet. It seemed like nothing then, but now the action seemed so significant, the moment she left him. If he had known then as he did now, would he have held onto her?

* * *

_Dear Little Lost Holly,_

_He's getting bolder. He comes to my window beating his talons against the thin glass. He leaves offerings; naked mice and tattered snakes that look like shiny red ribbons. He's trying to seduce me. He wants me to follow him into the forest, his wild domain. He's growing impatient, I feel him. I will have to go to him soon._

_X_

* * *

_Author's Note: Wooo Chapter 10, never thought I'd get that far! Please review and tell me what you think!_

_Oh and one last thing, I'm really sorry if the spelling and grammar isn't up to scratch. I've struggled with dyslexia for a long time and I'm so much better than I used to be, but I'm far from perfect. I will try my best, I promise I do proofread but I understand that it isn't up to the proper standard. Just thought I'd clear that up, I'm not ashamed of my spelling I just got a few reviews about it and I thought I would explain._


	11. Chapter 11

_Author's Note: All similarities to Twin Peaks and SDOLP are intentio__nal. The property of David Lynch and his daughter Jennifer. J K owns quite a bit too. This chapter is ridiculously long; I just got a bit carried away. Oh and I changed a date in chapter 10, Sirius' and Holly's exchange over the diary went from being somewhere in 5__th__ year to the end of. It just made more sense. Enjoy! x_

**Kickstart My Heart**

* * *

Still the summer of 1979, Sixth Year.

* * *

_Dear Little Lost Holly,_

_It upsets me so to know I am no threat to him. I've tolerated him for to long, invading my mind stealing my innocence, my sleep. He knows my dreams, he laughs. He thinks I'm dirty.__ I try to accept that I am bad and dirty and cheap and should be thrown to the snakes. As if it were a religion, I have chanted to myself, I have begged, and taunted, and almost prayed for him to arrive, and he has not. I have an incredible headache from trying to think of his weaknesses, but I am at a loss. I believe that if I do not sleep soon, I shall begin seeing him everywhere. _

_I am lonely here, and find myself thinking about Remus who I know would hold me in his arms the way I can't imagine anyone else doing._

_X_

_Dear Little Lost Holly,_

_It was your fifth birthday, she'd made a cake and they bought you a doll, she was fat and ugly and her floppy body was made of sponge. The plastic arms and legs stuck into the sponge with sharp wires. Her eyes didn't shut, she liked to watch. Her head fell off, remember the disfigured body, the babies head impaled on a metal spike. Gerald got all mad, he said it disturbed him; he threw the doll in the bin. That image sticks clearly in my head now; you would have been too young to understand the horror of it; the plastic staring head meeting the silver wire. Every time I imagine it I make the image worse, the doll becomes more life like, the eyes move and her lips are puckered and interwoven with barbed wire; the iron spike is red with blood and glowing. I don't know why my mind does that, I wish it wouldn't. It means what he say is true. He's laughing again, he's won again. BAD BITCH. He got me to write that down. I have a headache._

_X_

* * *

'Have you thought about it?'

'No' she replied, her tone bored. It wad mid afternoon and Holly was sitting with Severus in their usual dungeon.

'But …'

'I told you last week Sev, no means no'

But I thought you might….'

'Come around? Well I didn't.'

So you're with them?' he sneered.

'No.'

'Who's side then?'

'My side.'

'That's not an option.'

'I'll support whatever side wins. Why would I get myself blown up in some stupid war that I don't care about?'

'The Dark Lord can't be denied Holly.' He warned. She hated it when he was like this.

'Oh there you go with that lordy lordy bullshit, blah blah blah I'm bored'

'Holly, you shouldn't speak of him like that,' he said ominously, she gave him an apathetic look and began searching through the old manuscript that lay in front of her.

'But you love this stuff'' he said gesturing to the table littered with books on dark magic.

She looked at him simply and said honestly, 'Severus, I do like this stuff, I think it's fun, nothing more nothing less.'

'Then surely Holly you see the logic, Voldemort is promising us a free hand, opening the doors to the dark art.'

'And when he wins I will crucio to my hearts content, but Sev, I'm an opportunist, a survivor. If the time comes and decisions have to be made I'll either take a long holiday abroad or I'll pick the side most likely to triumph. The only fight I'm fighting right now is my own.'

He changed tactic, 'Maybe if you just came to the meeting, I know you'd like it.'

'Why are you pushing this?'

'I ….just think you should give it try.'

'What's in it for you?'

'Nothing, as a friend…'

He never called her that, she was suspicious and interrupted, 'What the fuck is in this for you?'

He faltered, 'The Dark Lord has been encouraging us to recruit others, an army in his honour.'

'So basically I'm a quota?' she stated badly.

'Of course not, it's not anything like that,' he stammered.

'Well if you think I'm going to get that cattle brand on my arm and come to that power hungry pricks beck and call so he can have a dispensable army at his fingertips you've got another thing coming. Case closed.'

'Fine, back to work,' he said nervously, fidgeting with his jumper. She spotted the corner of the fresh tattoo, he saw her eyes linger on it and he pulled his jumper down. She smiled; he had yet to learn the Death Eater's art of concealment. 'So did you finally get branded with all the other minions this weekend?' she said as if he'd merely been on summer camp.

'Don't make is sound like a cattle market, it's a badge, a standard of our support for the cause.'

Holly pulled a bored face, 'Oh just shut up will the mantra and bullshit, show me!'

Bashfully he showed her the tattoo; she faintly felt she could still smell the aroma of fresh ink and blood. The notorious skull and serpent: the symbol of ultimate evil. She thought if she ever met Voldemort and had a death wish she would tell him his death mark was beyond cliché.

The edges of the mark were red and blotchy. She ran her fingers across the new ink, she pressed a little harder and he winced. The tattoo bulged and distorted under the pressure of her finger. Then suddenly she grabbed his arm, she pressed her palm down hard and wrapped her fingers vice like around his left forearm.

'Stop it Holly.'

'Hurts, doesn't it? Now you listen to me Severus Snape, this thing is about you. I want no part in this folly. I'm fed up of listening to you talk about this damned war,' she snarled.

'You're naïve' he said trying to shake free of her grip.

'Have you thought for one moment what this will do to your friends, Lily for example?' she said crushing her hand down on the raw skin.

'They will be made to except, they will see the truth… the benefits' he spat out through gritted teeth. 'Eventually they will understand what we did, what we put them through was for the best.' She let go of her grip, he clutched his arm to his chest. There was a clear red mark and deep crevices where her nails had sunk into his flesh unbeknownst to her. Often her rage clouded everything.

'Trust me they won't. Lily's a good person; she won't lay down her morals for her own life. And anyway she's muggle born; she wouldn't even get a chance.'

'He is merciful, if someone renounces their ways, they will be forgiven. It will be difficult for mudbloods, however those who repent shall be spared.' It sounded rehearsed and recited; words without meaning.

'Is that all Lily deserves, to be spared?'

'Well I didn't quite mean it like that.'

'And I'm the one who's supposed to be naïve.' She shut her eyes and rested them for a second, the joy of seeing nothing but colours. She felt calm again, she looked at him head on, 'Sev, I'm muggle born.'

'I know, but you're not like them.'

'I wish I was.'

* * *

Severus had grown more and more irritating as the year past, the lessons she had once looked forward to had become convoluted and preachy; they reminded her of Gerald's makeshift sermons. There were always new gods, new religion and new hypocrisy. There was no escaping it. She walked across the grounds for a good twenty minutes, clearing her head until she found a suitable place to rest.

It was a shady spot on the parameter of the forbidden forest. She was technically breaking school rules just by being there so she decided to break another. She took out a spliff and began drinking from the secret bottle of Firewhisky. It burnt her throat. Perhaps this wasn't the best way of dealing with her problems but it was something.

'Hello Darling.'

'Hello Sirius.'

'Lovely weather, eh?'

'The best.'

'Got one for me?'

'Be my guest.'

'Ready rolled - my favourite.'

'It's a way to fill the time.'

'What's the problem?'

'Nothing.'

'Forbidden Forest, weed and…' he sniffed dramatically, 'whisky. Looks like a problem to me.'

'How did you know I was here?'

'I've been practising Quidditch, I saw you from above.'

'Did I look like I wanted company?' She said half-heartedly.

'Maybe you don't want it, but it looks like you need it. Go on give me the bottle.'

'I don't know what you're talking about,' she said evenly.

'You smell like an old man, I know about the bottle, I don't know anyone who doesn't. Worst kept secret in Hogwarts.'

She begrudgingly handed it over, expecting him to confiscate it, but he took a swig instead. 'You think you're always one step ahead don't you Hol? One step ahead of all these fuckers, people aren't blind and unfortunately they can smell.'

'Fuck you!' she snapped.

'Gladly.'

They smoked silently for a couple of minutes, 'C'mon, what's up Holly?'

'It's not important.'

'It's easier if you just tell me, I won't leave you alone otherwise.'

She gave him a please piss off look, the kind one gives irritating younger siblings, then she sighed, admitting defeat, 'Oh nothing, I don't know, my head, this war, your head, it's all fucked up.'

'Heavy' he said raising an eyebrow.

'Fuck off,' she said laughing and smacking him lightly on the arm. The contact felt foreign after all this time. She took a long drag and her face became serious, she looked around nervously, 'I just don't want to go back there, okay?'

He knew exactly what she was referring to, St Stephan's Orphanage, 'I'll visit more,' he offered.

'It's not that.'

'Is it really that bad?'

'No, Yes, Oh I don't know! It's that whole place…it fucks with my head,' she said pressing her hands to her temples.

'You can stay with me.'

'No,' she replied sharply.

'You know I'm going to keep asking.' It wasn't a question.

'We'd kill each other.'

'I think…'

'Sirius don't… please.' she couldn't bare to listen, why did he always want to talk.

He stopped, why did it always come to this, down on his knees begging her to come with him?

'Why don't I take you out tonight?' he said changing the subject for a bit.

'Out?' she said raising an eyebrow.

'Hogsmead, The Flaming Cauldron, you and me?'

'You gonna show me the town Sirius Black?'

'If you want me to.'

She laughed, 'Perhaps we should get some people together, make a proper night of it' she suggested.

His smile faded, she pretended not to notice. It was dangerous for her to be alone with Sirius at the moment; she was feeling weak and vulnerable. She couldn't play any more, the snow was lying thin.

'Yeh sure, I know _Remus_ will want to come.' Did he say that bitterly? It always puzzled her how much Sirius and Remus knew about each others mutual relationship with her.

'I'll ask the girls.' She offered.

'Try and persuade Lily, James would be chuffed.'

'I'll try' said Holly feebly, she knew she wouldn't.

'I think you should move in with me this Summer.' He tried again.

'Sirius, please, we've wasted hours on this conversation,' she begged.

'You can have your own room; you can even pay rent if you want. We'd be housemates nothing more.'

'Sirius, it's really very nice of you, but you know that isn't how it would stay.'

He looked at her directly as if to argue back. Then he nodded, he couldn't deny this year of frostiness had taken its toll, he was crazy for the touch of her. 'Would that be so bad,' he paused, 'Was it so bad?'

'I don't want to talk about it.'

'I'm sorry I just think….'

'Sirius please I never want to discuss that night again.' She interrupted.

'Maybe we have to; you never want to talk about anything anymore.'

'Sirius, I hate this.'

'But I miss you Holly.'

'You see me all the time,' she said trying to sound indifferent and dismissive.

'I miss the way I used to see you, really seeing you, kissing you, touching you.' She almost sighed, each word feeling like a caress. 'I know what happened last summer was bad. I was drunk, you were practically hallucinating you were that high. We crossed the line, but it didn't mean things had to change.'

Did she miss him? She tried not to ask herself that question. 'We're bad for each other.' She said trying to sound strong, 'You just want your play buddy back; you miss the reliability, nothing more.'

'Is that what you really think?' he said offended.

'You want it to go back to what it was, that fucked up friendship!' she was suddenly angry 'What was that? I don't need confusing shit like that Sirius.'

It was so difficult to describe what they had had. A friendship tainted with egos, distrust, and a constant struggle for power and dominance.

He remembered the first time he kissed her in fourth year and she had tried to run away, he held her against the wall, almost forced her; her first kiss. He could tell she never let go like the other girls he kissed. They would become weak, he would have to hold them in his arms as they became soft and fuzzy. Holly's kisses were hard, they were brutal and unfeeling. She never gave into him, even when he was crushing her small body in his arms, one hand down her shirt the other half way up her thigh; she was still not giving in to him. Then there was the fateful night they had slept together, when she had broke down, tears welling up and slipping down her porcelain cheeks. He had never seen her like that, her guard down, insecure, a scared child hiding her naked body with the white sheet. It was odd he had always imagined it different with her; a meeting of equals. He had tried to keep kissing her but she changed beneath his lips, he could feel her recoil, repulsed by his touch. After a while he gave up trying.

Holly was embarrassed. It wasn't like she was inexperienced; she usually could make herself numb, a piece of wood, a cold stone. She could put on an act, feign lust and pretend ecstasy. But it had been different that night with Sirius, she couldn't keep the wall up. It might have just been the acid, it had made her paranoid and unhinged. Halfway through she had panicked and started crying. It was the first time she had cried since Lily had found her in the bathroom. He had comforted her, held her, rocked her, told her she was beautiful and not to worry. But his words didn't comfort her, she felt subordinate and small, he was in control now. When he kissed her the next day she felt as if his tongue was invading her body, pulling her secrets out through her mouth. He began to treat her like a special jewel, something fragile to be protected. Every time he touched her in that mothering way she would clam up. He kept on trying to breech her frigidity but eventually he stopped, it had been over a year since that night and they had barely touched.

She collected herself, 'I know you want to help me and look after me, but I can take care of myself.'

'I get lonely too Holly, it's a big house I could use the company.'

'I won't play housewife'

'Don't be a bitch.'

That wicked smile flickered across her lips, this was the Sirius she liked 'Don't call me your mother's pet names' she said sweetly, it was an old joke.

He didn't smile and ignored her, 'I just meant that I know how it feels to be alone, we could help each other, you know'

She yawned rudely, she was fed up. When did Sirius become such a pussy? 'Sirius I don't want to be mollycoddled, by anyone, especially not by you. You pity me and say you want to help me, you want to kiss me, and you want to make love to me.' She stared at him hard, unflinching, 'Maybe I just want to be fucked.' Her lips moved slowly and curled around the words that passed through them. She was mocking him.

Her gaze was intense, he couldn't read her. She often said weird stuff when she was smoking dope. He knew when to stop. He looked unimpressed and stood up and went to leave. Bastard, she inwardly cursed, he was more difficult to manipulate than Remus.

'Sirius' she called, 'My bottle.'

He walked back and passed it to her, but held onto it 'We're still on for tonight, right?'

'Why not' she replied and he released his grasp on the bottle.

Perhaps she was right. Maybe he should just leave her be, why was he behaving like a fool, pretending to be the knight in shinning armour? Holly was no princess, perhaps she didn't need rescuing.

* * *

They were all huddled in a stone passageway somewhere beneath Hogworts.

'Shhhhhh' whispered James, 'keep quiet.'

Jessica and Layla were giggling. They had had been doing tequila shots before they left and they were already slipping over in their strappy heels. Holly considered them; they were apparently her best friends. It was depressing; they didn't know her at all.

There was quite a large group, nearly all of Gryffindor 6th years, a couple of Hufflepuffs and one Ravenclaw boy. It made the whole thing very risky. James was leading the way, a crude map held in his hands. There was more to the browned parchment than first met the eye, Holly had never been sure of the extent of its power, but she knew it contained complex detection magic only accessible to the Marauders. They had all put invisibility charms over themselves, some being more successful than others. Even her good one was a bit pathetic. She eyed James' invisibility cloak enviously.

They tip toed as quietly as possible down the passage for a good ten minutes. The group was in high spirits and once they were a good distance form Hogwarts, people began singing and laughing. Holly hung back with Remus, the faint hum of 'My Elixir' by the up and coming band The Weird Sisters could be heard emanating from the already tipsy group ahead. She could see the blurry image of Sirius arm flung over Jessica's bare shoulder, it pissed her off. She took a long slug from the bottle in her hand. She had to stop thinking about him.

'I heard it was your idea for this little gathering,' Remus said.

'Yeh, I guess,' she wasn't really listening.

'Good idea, it'll probably be the last time before the Summer Holiday.'

'Yeh, I guess it will be.'

'You're very quiet tonight.'

'I'm sorry my thoughts are just elsewhere,' she explained weakly.

He looked ahead, Sirius arm was now on Jessica's lower back. His heart sank, he loved Sirius dearly and he hated the fact there was this unsaid competition between them. They had dated the same girls before; they would even compare notes, usually a lot more detailed on Sirius' side. But neither of them ever mentioned Holly. Remus assumed his friend had done stuff with her; he'd cringe when he imagined what. He had heard the way Padfoot talked about his sexual experiences and it made him angry imagining Holly in that way. Sirius knew he'd kissed her, but did he know the rest? Maybe the problem was that neither of them had fancied her, dated her, had her and then got over her. There was no cathartic experience after Holly, just a never ending rollercoaster of emptiness and regret.

Holly had a bottle of JD held by the neck in her hand, she took regular sips. But she wasn't drunk, not yet anyway.

'Fancy some?' she offered Remus.

'Is it whisky?'

'Yeh Muggle make, I prefer it,' she said offering him the bottle.

He tried a bit, she was right it was better than Ogden's Old Firewisky, but then Remus had never been one for straight spirits, usually opting for a pint of mulled mead.

* * *

The dance floor was rammed, a tangled orgy of arms and legs. Holly sat at the bar, a cigarette in one hand and a tumbler full of ice and brown syrupy whisky in the other. She was flirting outrageously with the barman, Braeden. He was about twenty five and had long black hair and wore eyeliner…he was hot. They knew each other pretty well, as she often frequented The Flaming Cauldron, propping up the bar until she was sufficiently wasted to hit the dance floor without her inhibitions. She knew she looked good tonight. Her young body was squeezed into a black halter neck dress. She was wearing high patent leather stilettos, opaque tights and gold hoops. Her blonde hair was crimped and worn mostly to one side. Lots of mascara and red lipstick finished the job. She thought she looked pretty trendy. The dance floor however was filled with bright coloured disco prints, flares, cat-suits, platforms, hot pants; a poor mans interpretation of Saturday Night Fever. It was a sad echo of the past, a final stand against the approaching 80's.

Remus had come looking for her. 'I'll meet you in the bathroom in five,' he heard Holly whisper to Braeden before slipping of her stool and coming face to face with him. She Jumped .'Oh Remus, I didn't see you there!'

'Fancy a dance?' he asked trying to distract her.

'Maybe later,' she said sweeping aside his gesture, 'I'm just going to the bathroom, see you in a bit!' she shouted over the intoxicating beat of the music.

'Yeh, later then!' he called desperately after her as she walked away. He looked at Braeden, what a chump. Perhaps it was the drink, but before he could calm down Remus was fast approaching the bar.

'Oi Braeden!' he shouted.

'Hey Remus, it's great to see you tonight!'

'I know what you're supplying Holly with.'

'Hey keep your voice down,' Braeden said getting closer to the bar. He lowered his head and spoke quietly, 'Remus, I know she's your friend and all, but man it's her choice.'

'She's sixteen!' exclaimed Remus, not taking the hint about keeping quiet.

'You can keep that down as well,' snapped Braeden, looking around nervously.

'Do you realize what you're doing to her; she's been doped up or drunk since Easter.'

'Mate, I understand I do, but I'm just the middleman.'

'Fuck you' he slurred 'you're ruining her life.' Remus was passed it. He was jabbing his finger pitifully at Braeden's chest.

Braeden dismissivly pushed Remus' hand away, 'I just supply to demand.'

'And how does she pay you, you shit, she's got no money,' spat Remus.

'You're drunk so I'll let that slip' said Braeden, suddenly angry, 'but you better get the fuck out of this bar before you say something you'll really regret' he threatened.

'Oh I get it; you're the good drug dealer!' Remus taunted sarcastically.

'Fuck I don't need this,' Breaden said rolling up his sleeves. Luckily at that moment James and Peter arrived at the bar for another round of drinks, Breaden spotted them and unclenched his fists, 'James get your mate out of here, he's been a dick' Braeden ordered.

'What did he do?' argued James, not yet realizing the seriousness of the situation.

'Just get him out now or I'll bar you all.'

James knew not to argue, Braedon might act like a nice enough guy but he was into some dodgy stuff and you didn't want to get in his bad books, 'Wormtail, I'll take Remus, you tell everyone where we've gone, okay?' James struggled with Remus, who was declaring he was ready to fight and swinging his fist wildly.

* * *

Braedon had refused to give her any coke, but he gave her a valium for later. She was pissed with him, and tried to hit him a couple of times, he held her still easily, said the arrangement was over, apologized and told her to get clean. She shouted 'pervert' after him and collapsed on the floor of the cubicle. Layla came in and tried to help her, so she told her to 'fuck off', Layla called her a 'bitch' and left.

She had a quaalude in the padded section of her bra, she took that, tried to fix her makeup and emerged out into the dark club. There was a lot of strobe lighting and the music sounded as if it was being played backwards underwater. She found Peter, who said something about most people leaving with Remus and something about her looking messed up. He offered to walk her back she declined. She danced for a bit by herself, but soon attracted the attention of a couple of older men. They disgusted her, like flies to shit she thought, she was shit. She staggered away avoiding groping hands and flailing arms. She spotted Sirius with a girl who looked a lot like Jessica on his knee. They were kissing; one of his hands was lost in her hair, the other was clutching her waist. She felt sick, Sirius opened his eyes, he saw her turn and blindly stumble away.

She didn't know what was wrong with her, maybe it was the lack of coke. She stumbled out of the basement bar and shrugged off the bouncers who tried to talk to her. She found the secret entrance to the tunnel back to Hogwarts. She hoped she had the right one. She scrabbled into the tight opening; she caught her leg on the brick wall, shaving off the skin. She felt nothing but looking at the gash made her feel slightly light headed and nauseous. She carried on down the brick tunnel, her feet ached and her progress was slow. Her thoughts were on his lips and his hands, why now? she thought. She was burning for him, it couldn't just be jealousy and withdrawal there must be something more.

* * *

Sirius caught up with her in the long corridor.

'Holly, wait up, you can't walk back by yourself.'

'I can look after myself,' she said resolutely while nearly falling over.

'Not in the state you're in.'

'I'm fine,' she slurred.

'Don't be daft, Please take my jacket, it's cold.'

'Stop being a gentlemen' she whined.

He tried to give it to her, she pushed him away.

He snapped, 'Oh fine, fuck you. I was well in there with Jessica but I left the club to see if you were okay and this is the thanks I get. Well you can just fuck off!'

Wham, she pushed him up against the wall, her small body pressing into his, the kiss was inconsiderate and desperate. There was no warmth, or fuzzy feelings just anger and lust. She felt her heart, kick-start, it was different to any feeling she had ever had before, it burnt her, consumed her, drove her. They worked themselves up quickly and spent themselves against the stone wall. It was animalistic, hard, a release. When they had finished she rested her sated body against the wall, her eyes heavy, gingerly she pulled her skirt down from around her waist. She heard a zipper and the sound of Sirius sorting out his shirt. They straightened up and they walked back in an uncomfortable silence. She didn't know if she felt better or worse, at least she felt wanted. Sirius wasn't sure, it wasn't the way he would have planned getting her back. At least she didn't cry this time. He eyed her carefully, she seemed possessed, manic, and she was shit-faced. He was a wanker, to take advantage of her in that state, Remus would never do a thing like that. She'd probably hate him in the morning. Yet she had initiated it, but she was drunk, why did he always get it wrong?

They reached the Gryffindor stairwell, the place that had been the parting of the ways so many times before.

'I'm sorry' the both said simultaneously, they didn't laugh and it didn't ease the tension.

'I shouldn't have done that' he offered.

'You regret it' she mumbled, shit now he was offending her.

'No, but you're drunk, and it was a bit well…' he searched for the word '…unromantic.'

She scoffed, 'I'm sorry for being all weird when I left the club and then forcing my self on you,' she looked embarrassed it was endearing. He thought of the way she just behaved in the tunnel, it couldn't have been more different.

He inwardly smiled, she was jealous! This is what he loved about the drunken Holly- honesty. 'Knew you liked me' he taunted. She didn't answer. 'So are we okay, you're not pissed with me?' he checked.

She smiled, 'Of course not.'

'Great!' he said a little too enthusiastically.

She laughed, 'On one condition, are you going to stop treating me like a china doll?'

'After that, I'm sure it won't be difficult' he said grinning stupidly, leaning in for another kiss.

She pushed him away, she wasn't one for goodnight kisses, 'Goodnight Black,' she turned and followed the stairs carefully her head still spinning.

She got into bed after throwing up. She heard Lily and Moira sweet snuffles and envied their dreamless sleep. Layla and Jessica weren't back yet; she dreaded the boredom of the fight that would ensue tomorrow. She found the valium still in her purse, she was thankful for it now. She took it swiftly and waited for the impending nausea to sweep her body and hoped that the darkness would claim her for his own.

* * *

_The person who is invading my privacy,_

_  
I feel betrayed. I know for a fact that my diary was taken and read by someone, maybe several someones. I will not be writing any more in this diary for a long time, if ever. You have ruined my trust and my feeling of security. I hate you for that, whoever you are! On these pages I have written things sometimes too scary or too embarrassing even to read again myself. I trust that these pages are turned only by me, only when I wish. Many things are hurting and confusing me. I need my private pages, in order to see my mind outside me and push it away. Please stay away from this diary. I mean it!_

* * *

_Authors Note: Please Review!! Sorry this update took longer than usual. I struggled with the characterization, you can probably tell. x_


	12. Chapter 12

_Author's Note: Again, I own nothing. Much of this is inspired by Twin Peaks, I don't own that either…but I wish I did. Also i've not had much time to check this. I'm in work so i really shouldn't be doing this...i promise to check it tonight!...Finally updated and corrected to the best of my ability, but it does appear like my spellchecker has packed in. Sorry for those who read this before i corrected it as it was rather shoddy._

* * *

**My Summer of Love**

'Of course the only thing that kills the demon... is love.'

- Mickey Knox – Natural Born Killers -

* * *

Holly was sitting on the train on the way back to London. She was pinioned between Jessica and Layla.

'Oh I'm just soo happy you two made up, it would have just killed me if I had been caught in the middle all summer,' warbled Layla.

'Oh well it was silly really, I mean I don't even like Sirius!' squealed Jessica.

Holly felt smug, Jessica had fancied Sirius since third year, and her modest display was pathetic. It had taken Jessica a week to forgive her and the 'fuck off' comment had earned her two days of frostiness from Layla. She wished it had lasted longer. She didn't even try to be nice to the two of them, it really astounded her that the more she insulted and spurned them the more they wanted to hang out with her.

'I'm going for a walk', she announced abruptly, she needed a line desperately, their conversation was nauseating.

'But we're on the train!' said Layla as if the idea of legs that moved was inconceivable.

'I know.'

Layla tried to smile sweetly, 'Can we come too?'

'No' said Holly exciting the compartment with a bang.

She found Sirius, in a noisy compartment with his usual crowd and a couple of lads in the year above. She poked her head around the door, the ruckus died down quickly into silence as they looked at her expectantly, 'Hi, erm…can I talk to you Sirius?' she asked.

'Yeh, what is it?'

'Errrr.. it's kinda private.' She said gesturing with her eyes for him to leave the compartment.

'Oh right' he said looking haughty and leaving the compartment, the moment the door shut, the room behind burst into fits of laughter, woops and jeers.

She gave him a quizzical look, 'Really wild game of wizard chess going on in there?'

'Yeh something like that, what can I do for you darling?'

She convulsed a bit; she hated most of his pet names for her, especially darling, 'Well aren't I allowed to see you _alone_ before the end of term.'

'Well excuse me, the Holly I know usually doesn't want to be seen with me, you've slapped me for merely saying 'hello' to you in an empty corridor.'

'You weren't just saying hello, you were groping,' she accused.

'I wouldn't dare,' he purred his hands moving to her waist.

'Anyway that's not the point; I do want to see you now' she explained.

He smiled, 'Going to miss me?' he teased.

'Maybe' she paused, 'are you going to miss me?' She couldn't believe she'd said it, this whole conversation made her feel quite ridiculous, and she instinctively looked over her shoulder to ensure no one could see this pathetic display of adolescence.

'No,' he answered abruptly, her face faulted, 'No I'm not going to miss you because I'm going to come and see you tonight, make sure you've settled in alright.'

'You'd do that?' She was genuinely shocked. He was surprised by her cuteness; her girliness. She seemed sane today, almost sweet. She wanted his company, which always seemed a bit of a shock. He felt the need to watch her at the moment; everything was a bit to perfect, to normal, the calm before the storm.

'Course, can I stay the night?' he said genially with a cheeky wink thrown in for good measure.

Her face fell, she looked uncomfortable.

'Erm, I don't think that's such a good idea…. I mean we might get caught'.

He wasn't going to push it, it was obvious she didn't want him to stay, 'That's fine' he said hoping his disappointment didn't sound as obvious to her as it did to him.

'You can stay pretty late anyway, I mean you can apparate now, remember this is our summer of magic.' 'Our Summer', the words echoed in her ears, 'Our Summer', she'd never felt like sharing anything with anyone before. What was it about Sirius Black? Why was she finally letting him in? Perhaps she wasn't as hard as she thought; perhaps she was weak like the rest of the female population, susceptible to cool gray eyes, floppy hair and arrogance.

'What if I splinch myself?'

'Well' she said seductively 'I'll just have to play nurse' she bent in for the kiss, but they both cracked up. It was unbelievably cheesy, they both knew it but they carried on the kiss regardless.

Seconds later she was pulling him into the toilets, kissing him hard; 'fancy a line?' she breathed heavily.

'Sure' he said excited.

She smiled wickedly, she loved corrupting the innocent. Well innocent was a bit strong for Sirius, but he rarely dabbled in anything apart from the occasional marijuana cigarette.

'At three in the afternoon, this is mental!' She didn't say anything, so far Sirius was pretty much in the dark about her dependency. He thought she frolicked in the snow every now and again; everyone did drugs, that didn't make you a druggie. Only idiots were druggies. He bent down first and skimmed the line, she followed, letting the hit smack her brain, she lent back against the door, Sirius was laughing, she smiled widely. He pushed her against the door kissing her messily, his hands roaming widely across her body. He had just got her bra undone, when there was a knock on the door.

'Shit' cursed Sirius

'Excuse me; people need to use this facility. Whatever you're doing in there could you please stop' It was Remus.

'Shiiiiit' whispered Holly. She straightened her dress, mouthing unknown words and waving frantic hand gestures at Sirius then she gingerly opened the toilet door.

Remus looked shocked to see her and even more so when he saw Sirius following her out red-faced. There was a long line of giggling, whispering students, eyes glued to the red handed couple. Their secret relationship was suddenly not so secret.

Remus coughed 'Erm sorry guys, someone came and got me, prefect duties and all, didn't think it was you, I wouldn't of if I'd…' he trailed off. Poor Remus, Holly thought, dying inside yet still trying to be the good guy; gracious in defeat. He made her feel a bit sick, there wasn't room for people like that, as the saying goes nice guys finish last.

She just shrugged, the high from the coke giving her an air of indifference.

* * *

Staring at her naked form, wrapped messily in the white linen the past six weeks seemed a forgotten nightmare. She was sleeping soundly, her nose twitching every now and again, her slight fingers flexing, an eyelash fluttering. He was entranced, he felt foolish lying there, venerating her sleeping form.

Such a slight thing, she reminded him of the girl he had first met. She wasn't as skinny as she'd been then, but she still needed to put on weight. He generally preferred girls with a bit more meat on their bones. She looked like an androgeness goddess; all sharp cheekbones and pouty lips. She'd begun to shave her head two weeks ago, luckily he'd stopped her just in time. She had only done about a third, to save the damage he'd shaved off another third from the other side and created this long Mohawk, like a pony's tail. It looked stupid, but kind of cool. He lent over and kissed the top of her head, it was so good to have her there, her clothes were folded in the chest of drawers opposite, her boots were sitting comfortably by the porch and there were stacks of library books on every surface. He had imagined her there many times, but had always thought of it as a fantasy. For the first time last night they'd honestly made love, not fucked or shagged but actually made love. The sex was for the first time untainted by mistrust, egos, arrogance and drugs. He had told her he loved her, three words he had never said to anyone before.

* * *

_(6 Weeks Earlier)_

He opened her desk drawer; he closed it, and then opened it again. He couldn't believe his eyes; he'd only been looking for a cigarette and hadn't expected to come across this sordid treasure trove. There was a large bag of coke, some blotter acid, some weed, two cheap cigars (presumebly for the shells, he'd never seen her smoke cigars) a small bottle of gin and a quarter bottle of tequila. A collection of white pharmaceutical tubs mostly with names he didn't recognize; Methaqualone, Dextroamphetamine, Phencyclidine, Ketamine. He shuddered, pushing the contents round the drawer, his hand conecting with a bottle of liquid mescaline. Fuck, that was the one that really shocked him. There was another vial of unknown clear liquid, he dreaded to think what that was. He saw hockthorn leaf, alihotsy, venomous tentacula seeds (How the fuck did she get hold of them?) and wormwood, he was sure he'd read that it had hullucinogenic properties. Fuck, fuck fuck, what was he going to do. He couldn't tell her, then she'd know he was snooping, if he knew Holly she'd have a fit, she'd probably try to beat the shit out of him. She'd never trust him again. No, he knew he had to confront her, she had to get help. All the erratic behavior made sense, her bizaar mood swings, her fleeting spells of uncontrollable happiness, her fits of anger resulting in the bruise that was fading around his left eye. He heard feet coming down the wooden hallway outside, he took a deep breath;

'Holly what the fuck is this?' He accused, slightly more aggressivly than he had originally intended.

He saw her breath catch, her eyes flicker over the content of the open drawer, placing everything, her eyes flicking next to her diary, then the open window. All in less then a second, she cracked a smile, a laugh, 'You think that shit is mine?'

'I know it's yours, don't play dumb.'

'It's Janine's, she keeps on getting her room searched so I store her stuff with mine.'

'Holly,' he tried to remain calm, 'I know you hind Valium in your bra, and I've found pills in the bottom of your bag before.'

'Baby you know I get migraines that's asprine.' She explained cooly.

'Don't fuck with me Holly, I got an O in muggle studies I know what paracetemol looks like!'

'I swear it's Janine's ask her!'

'I don't need to, I know it's yours. I think I've known this whole time, I just didn't want to see it. It was always 'It's only one line' It's not only one line when your taking one line ten times a day. The valium once in a while to help you sleep you said, the pills for all for those headaches I never see you suffering from. Why are you always going to the toliet Holly? Do you honestly think I haven't noticed, that was the third time sinse I got here an hour ago. Is this why you wont let me stay here at night? Is that who that guy is, the one who keeps calling you?' He stopped, she didn't answer, 'Is that what all that shit with Remus was about, the fight…are you messed up with Braedan?'

'Not any more.'

'Fuck Holly, that guy's messed up.'

'I can take care of myself.'

'No you can't look at you, Merlin, how have I been so blind, you're well skinnier, you look like you did when you first arrived. Is that why you've been taking Ket, are you not eating again?'

'No' she breathed through gritted teeth, 'I was never anorexic, I told you that!'

He ignored her and carried on 'and why the mescaline Holly? That's some fucked up shit, are you trying to kill yourself?' he didn't want to hear the answer to that so he continued 'I'm getting rid of all this shit now!'

'No!' she sreamed, grabbing her wand and pointing it straight at him 'don't you dare, you don't understand, please Sirius, please, please, oh god please,' she crumpled up on the floor, her fists clenched, violent sobs emiting from her body, yet no tears stained her guant cheeks. 'You can't, please I need to sleep I need to forget Sirius, don't take away my sleep, please.'

* * *

She heard a pop, and rose her wand automatically aiming at the space in which a young man had just apparated into her room

'Move a muscle Sirius, and I will hex you so fast,'

He went to speak, 'speak and ill do worse' she interrupted, he remained silent.

Holly was on the floor, wearing skin tight leather pants and a purple push up bra. She was sitting spread eagled like a child, her hair messy and tussled, her make-up from the night before smudged and clown-like. On the floor were two fat white lines. She had a rolled up ten pound note in one hand and in her other she held her wand pointing straight at his heart. She took the hit. She lay back, resting her head against the bed, her wand arm relaxing by her side.

'Come in' she beckoned sweetly.

He said nothing, but stepped over her and onto her bed, where he sat crossed legged and silent and began to fiddle with a teddy bear wearing a wizard's hat.

'I'm ready for my lecture, Professor Black' she said mockingly.

'I'm not even talking to you when you're like this.'

She pouted, 'Oh poor little Sirius!'

'We had a date, we're meant to be meeting them in half an hour'

'Who?'

'Lily and James.'

Holly made a retching sound, 'But they're so boring!'

'You promised me'

'I did?'

He nodded.

'But baby, I don't want to go, wouldn't you rather stay in with me' she said seductively, crawling onto the bed and draping her half naked body on top of him.

'You look a state Holly, but some clothes on.'

She started to Kiss his neck, 'Holly' he warned

She sat up looking like a spoilt child, he felt bad , he sat up a bit and put his arms round her, she was so frail, 'Oh c'mon babe, I'm sorry just take all that glitter off and put on a jumper or something.' He tried to persuade her.

He untangled himself from her and went over to the dresser, he knew where everything was, he'd lost count of the times he'd put her to bed recently. He got a cotton wool bud and began to remove the crusts of mascara and smudged pink lipstick. She just sat there, looking sad and forlorn. Little lost Holly.

'I need another hit' she mumbled, he ignored her.

'Put this on' he gave her a black t-shirt.

She reluctantly pulled it over her head

'Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious…'

'What?' he asked her.

'Nothing, just thinking' she mumbled.

'Where's your denim jacket?'

'I lost it.'

He looked through the small wardrobe and found a large shirt that at one point had belonged to him.

'I guess this will have to do.'

She put it on.

'Make-up?'

'I'll do it myself' she said, lazily pulling a compact from her bag.

He stood by the window, smoking a cigarette, watching her carefully. The room was of medium size, there was a single bed against the far sickly yellow wall. A desk with a couple of shelves, all crammed full with books; muggle library books, it always surprised him that no matter how doped up to the nines this girl was there were always new library books once or even twice a week. The desk was littered with stationary, scrunched up paper and various cosmetic bottles. There was a small wardrobe half empty because its contents were littered around the room. There were two posters, one for the film 'Taxi Driver'; he remembered watching that with her last year and a large one of 'The Clash', which he vaguely remembered her recommending. There was a radio with a tape player, surrounded by disemboweled audio cassettes their plastic entrails spilling out onto the dirty grey carpet. His eyes flicked back to her, she was applying some heavy eye makeup.

'I'm thinking of shaving my head,' she offered.

'Shut up,' Sirius snapped.

She pulled a funny face and muttered under her breath 'Just trying to make conversation'. It never failed to amaze him how many different moods she could run through when she'd had a nose full of white power. Tonight was not going to be easy.

'What we seeing tonight?' She asked.

'Apocalypse Now'

'Sounds shit.'

'You were only saying last week that you really wanted to see it. You said, and now I quote: Francis Ford Coppola is a god amongst muggles.'

'Who's he?'

'You're doing that on purpose.'

'Maybe,' she said finishing her makeup and withdrawing a bent up cigarette form her bag. She tried to straiten it up a bit, it pissed him off the way she would just light up anywhere.

'Camel' she said gesturing to the lit cigarette 'got it off the American guy I was with last night'

'I hope you had a great time' he knew she was lying, well perhaps there had been an American, but she was always bumming smokes.

'He played football.'

'Well good for him.'

'He said I was the prettiest English girl he'd ever seen.'

'Well, he probably lied, right lets go', he said marching up to her and grabbing her hand.

'I can apparate' she said outraged.

'I don't trust you' he said before they both vanished.

* * *

Holly went through a whole bullet of coke to get through the movie and dinner with them afterwards.

They had sat down to eat in a greasy café in Brixton. Sirius didn't eat much he'd eaten a load of shit in the cinema, Holly was too high to even look at food. She watched Lily stuffing her plump pink face in disgust, she'll pay for that in spots and the seams of her clothes she thought. She cast her eyes over James, he sure was a pig, stuffing hamburgers and chips in his mouth like chewing wasn't necessary.

'Hun,' she said in her sweetest voice, 'I'm just going to go powder my nose.'

Sirius frowned, 'Ill come to' said Lily, he smiled.

Fuck her! Well that plan backfired, without a line she didn't know how she would survive the double date from hell. She had a quaalude and a valium somewhere in her bag, she could take them quietly in the cubicle.

'So' said Lily, 'It's great that you and Sirius are finally officially together!' It irritated her the way Lily said finally, as if their no strings attached relationship had offended her.

'Yeh it sure is swell!'

'I bet you can't believe it James and I?'

'Just hit me like a big red bus!' she chimed. Who could have seen that one coming Lil?

'He's actually not that bad,' Lily blushed.

'He's lovely, you two look great together.' It killed her, to hear how genuine her voice was. People were stupid, trust was dead.

'Thanks, so do you and Sirius.' This conversation was draining her. She tried to think for a moment what Lily saw, a girl who was once her best friend, dressed like a tramp, pale face, red nose, thin blue hands, broken nails bar a sharpened pinkie, good for scooping. Did Lily notice the details did she believe the show, did everyone else? People didn't really want to hear the truth, they were happier with the names of unknown illnesses, foreign holidays and fake alibis. Never underestimate the power of denial, people didn't want to see the mess and guts of things, they wanted clean hands and stretched smiles.

'Well we better get back' they left the toilet, 'Oh dear I've left my lipstick, I'll catch you up!' She felt the sing song voice catch in her bone-dry throat.

* * *

Remus looked around the room, normally neat it was in absolute disarray. She wasn't even trying to hide her drug use, there was a small bag of coke resting on the dressing table. He cursed Sirius, if he was her boyfriend he would be looking after her, damn him. He noticed a jumper he knew belonged to Sirius, a set of muggle photobooth photos of them kissing, and then his eyes strayed to a pair of black lacy knickers strewn on the floor. His fists clenched as he imagined how they got there, perhaps removed hastily in a fit of passion, or teased off slowly, cascading over hips, then thighs to ankles; a private show he would never see. Why people weren't more ashamed of such things, why did people like her, people like Sirius flaunt their sexual squalor? He remembered the episode a month ago on the Hogwarts Express. How she had laughed, at first Sirius hadn't been able to look him in the eye but later he'd approached him said something about, no hard feeling, bullshit that meant nothing. He inwardly cringed remembering them emerging from the toilet, her lipstick smudged, shirt button undone, Sirius lazy smile, loose tie and the tent pole protruding from his trousers. His skin crawled as he suddenly realised that they had probably fucked in the bed where he was currently sitting. He felt sick and stood up quickly, and carelessly knocked something heavy with his foot. He looked down, it was Holly's diary, he'd dislodged it from it's place under her bed, it was splayed open, his heart began to beat fast, he could see the date labeled _August, 86_. He knew he shouldn't read it, but his eyes automatically scanned the page.

_Dear Little Lost Holly._

_Too many bad things happen late at night. __Never before in my life have I been so confused. It is four-thirty exactly in the morning, and I can barely hold this pen I am shaking so much. I have been in the woods again. Lost. But I have been led. I think I am a very bad person. Tomorrow I will start a new way of living. I will not think any more bad thoughts. I will not think any more about sex. Maybe he will stop coming if I try harder to be good. Maybe I could be like Lily. She is a good person. I am bad. __This dream tonight was so vivid that even now I am unsure if it was really a dream or not. He took me into the dark woods with only the owls to witness what he did. The bed is full of twigs and leaves; there is a purple bruise on my leg.__ I am either dreaming him to life, and slowly killing myself, or he has told Sister Caroline of his visits and has offered, in return for their own safety, that these visits will continue without possibility of interruption. I am too tired and too confused; I cannot shut my eyes as I need to watch at the window: his usual entrance._

_X_

_Deep in the woods_

_I hear the trees cry_

_No strings tie their bellies_

_Lost so am I_

_The faceless man crows_

_Dead apple in hand_

'_Come Sleeping Beauty_

_Fall in to my land_

_Oh little lost child_

_Asleep at my feet_

_Open up your fortress_

_Your secrets I'll keep'_

_X_

He turned to the previous page before, now what he was doing was most definitely wrong.

_Late June '86._

_Dear Little Lost Holly,_

_I nearly told Remus at the party. But we were interrupted. It is probably better this way, as I find myself regretting telling Lily more and more everyday. I didn't mind at first but now when I'm with her I always get the feeling she's judging me, reading me, analyzing my actions. Sometimes I shout at her, it is unrewarding and she takes my insults like a dying dog, she expects me to be like that. If Lily only knew the things I dream, dreams of large, large men with big strong hands who take me down in the deep woods. I can't talk to Lily about these things; she wouldn't understand she would blush and giggle, flaunting her innocence at my like a white flag. _

_The orphanage is fine so far. I have my own room, the Sisters are fine, but I don't like the word 'Sister' it reminds me of the stories Doll used to tell. I feel strange, Sister Caroline said that another boy from my school went here called Tom Riddle. I wonder what happened to his parents. I wonder if he was as confused and as lost as me. The orphanage seems fine but I don't think I like it. Honestly, I hate it. I wrote it was fine to make myself believe it but I don't. It's quiet at night and he knows it. I wish Remus would write to me, but he doesn't._

_x_

He flicked through the journal, finding the last touched page, '_Please stay away from this diary. I mean it!' _He felt stung; he quickly shut the book, guilt pulsing through his veins. He put it where it would have been if he hadn't touched it. He knew he shouldn't have read it; he couldn't get the words out of his head, wood, sex, window, owls. It didn't make sense. Perhaps it was all a dream, a fantasy, or even a story. Somehow he doubted it.

She re-entered the Room (presumably returning from her coke break), 'My supper is ready Remus, you're going to have to go' she announced.

He nodded his mouth dry.

'You alright peu de loup?' she cooed 'So pale and the full moon's not for another two weeks.' She stroked his cheek. His muscles tightened, she awed him. One touch and he was hers. He attempted to regained his composure.

'I could say the same about you, you don't look well. I'm worried about you.'

'Shhhhhhhh' she cut him off, he thought she was about to make an excuse but she didn't even bother to try. She shrugged, 'I'm fine.'

'Well I thought I might as well say something, as it appears no one else is looking out for you,' he said haughtily.

Again another stony silence, she raised an eyebrow; her faint amusement at his words angered him.

'Thank you mother goose, but really I'm fine,' she cooed.

'Fine' he repeated, 'Goodbye Holly.'

'Aren't you going to say goodbye properly Remus. I would hate you to go away cross with me,' she flirted.

He melted, 'Of course and anyway I'm not angry with you' he embraced her and went to kiss her on the cheek, but she moved and her lips met his. They lingered for a second; it wasn't even a kiss, just a brushing of flesh. She smiled 'Goodbye Remus.'

He blushed, she was Sirius' now. It didn't mean anything, he had kissed her before, often in greeting on those plump pillows but now she belonged to his friend and he had to respect that.

Then the words came out like vomit, 'Holly is someone hurting you?'

'What?' she turned round suddenly.'

'Is someone here hurting you?'

'No, what are you talking about Remus?' She looked angry, her face red as if he had slapped her, 'Now I really must go.' She left the room before he could say another word.

'I'll write this time,' he whispered to the empty room, before disappearing himself.

* * *

She could faintly here Dumbledore's worried voice; 'When did this happen?'

'Sometime last night, the sister at the orphanage found her in the morning; she'd been out for three hours.'

'What did you find?'

'Traces of muggle narcotics, mostly mescaline, but also traces of cocaine, valium and ether. We don't think these caused the overdose, we found large amounts of venomous tentacula and wormwood, we think some sort of home made speedball. The room itself was like a full stocked apothecary.' She heard an elderly witch's voice explain.

'When will she wake?'

'Sometime tomorrow, once the antidote we've administered wares off.'

'And the after effects?'

'It's too early to tell. At present she appears to be fine, but often the after effects only become apparent later on.'

'You mean future psychological problems?'

'Well firstly there is beating the addiction itself and then there is the hallucinogenic qualities of the wormwood, in such quantities it is known to cause violent flashbacks, which can on certain occasions be fatal.'

There was a silence, 'Thank you for your help Mariam, I will stay with her for a while.'

'Of course Dumbledore.'

She felt his gaze on her, she wanted to open her eyelids but they were heavy, she lay like a dead bird. She heard him sigh, he sat, he waited. He waited for a long time. She didn't remember when he left but when she awoke the next day it wasn't him who was there anymore but someone else.

Her eyes opened, his face was contorted with worry and dark circles framed his eyes. He was holding her hand; she couldn't understand how she had not felt his tight grasp before.

He looked serious it scared her, 'Holly I'm taking you home with me' She looked so frail, her waif like body wrapped in the paper nightie. She didn't even fight back this time. She nodded, and he felt her weak muscles grab his hand in hers. 'I'm going to look after you,' he pledged.

'If you leave me, I'll kill you Sirius Black' she threatened her voice croaky and thick from lack of use.

'If you leave me, I'll kill you... and then I'll kill myself,' he promised in return.

* * *

_Dear Little Lost Holly,_

_The whole thing sounded like it had been picked word for word out of the dictionary or thesaurus, and I couldn't help but wish for a moment that I was dead. Here he is apologizing for something I, and I'm certain girls everywhere, dream of hearing a boy say. He's chosen his words carefully, tried to prove he is still, hours after his orgasm, in love. Another miracle . . . and what do I do? I am forced to keep silent, to stifle words of love, from my own heart, simply out of the fear that this is all part of a grand scheme to drive me, no brakes in the fast lane, down the road of insanity.  
_

_I am trapped inside a part of me I hate. A hard, masculine part of myself that has surfaced to fight, after small memories and scars come out of me with a suddenness that is sobering as well as horrifying - and I fight to save the Holly I wish I could be again. The one everyone thinks is still around. Me in a sundress, hair in the wind, and a smile engraved into my cheeks by the sharp fear that a man may visit me at any moment this evening and try to kill me. _

_X_

* * *

_Author's Note: Hey I have a huge essay due in very soon so I have to get on with that and I also have loads of extra curricula stuff on this term. So please bear with me as updates are likely to be on the slow side for a while. My apologies. As always please take a couple of seconds/minutes to review. Thanks_.


	13. Chapter 13

Just for those who might happen upon _A Soul for Satan_ it is now discontinued. I had it all planned out but I can't find the enthusiasm or dedication to finish it. I am very sorry, if anyone is particularly intrigued, message me and I'll paraphrase what was going to happen...might even send you the scenes I wrote but never posted. Anywho I apologise as I realise how annoying abandoned fics are.

Gregory's Girl xxx


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